Why Do I Keep Dating the Same Guy Over and Over Again?

A lot of women who find themselves in unsuccessful relationships want to know: “why do I keep dating the same guy over and over again?”

The easy answer is that you’re attracting the same guy with your energy, actions, beliefs and words. But I think it goes even deeper than this. Here’s one theory that many psychologists and relationship experts believe is the reason behind why women who have a hard time finding love keep choosing the same types of men over and over.

I believe this theory because I have personally experienced it.

The Dad Effect
It’s a proven fact (maybe not scientific but definitely experiential) that women often date men who are a lot like their fathers. This can be a good or a bad thing based on what a woman’s father was like.

Women who have dads who have serious problems (like alcoholism, drugs and abuse) or are absent often actively attract men who mimic those traits. They attract troubled and unavailable men.

The Cycle Begins
Then what happens is that the woman subconsciously tries to resolve her issues with her father (the first man in her life) with the men that she dates. She tries to “fix” him, mold him, make him love her or make him stay forever. She supports him and loves him in every way — even when it isn’t reciprocated.

When this woman is unsuccessful making a man love her and stay, which is almost always the case, she relives the devastation of losing or feeling unloved by her father and then repeats the process with another guy. The same type of guy as before. It happens over and over again.

It’s like a vicious cycle, but like any cycle, it can be broken. The first key to breaking this common pattern is to recognize that it’s a problem.

Tough Questions
Do you seem to attract the same type of guy over and over again? Guys that hurt you and leave you feeling empty or unfulfilled?

Do you think that it’s because you’re still trying to make a past relationship right?

If so, knowing this, what can you do to stop this pattern from repeating again? Here are a few tips:

Talk to someone.
Forgive.
Release the past so that you can move forward & date better.
Learn true love for self before you try to give your love to another.

Love Lynn

Lynn Gilliard is a writer and transformational blogger. She is the author of a popular relationship guide entitled Let Him Chase YOU and a self-help guide entitled Survive, Live or Thrive?

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Be All That YOU Can Be – Not What You Think a Man Wants You to Be

When I browse social media sites and come across young women in social settings, I often notice that it seems as if they’re trying too hard to be something that they’re obviously not.

A “bad b-word”
A hot girl
A bad girl
A tough girl
A sex symbol

Many of them are trying to emulate their favorite celebrities, but in most cases they’re doing it for one main reason: because they think boys will like it.

They take photos of themselves posing in uncomfortable ways to try to look sexy, wear tons of makeup, poke their lips out to try to look more sexy and use language that would make a sailor cringe.

And some of them do get the attention that they seek from boys and men… but it’s only temporary. As time goes on these girls are left in a tailspin of broken promises, broken “relationships” and broken hearts.

Why? Because they’re not being their authentic themselves — they’re trying to be someone else.

Boys and Men Are Confused Too
It’s not just girls who are confused about their identity — a lot of men and boys are also unsure of who they are and what they really want out of life. They think they want a woman who behaves or looks a certain way, but as soon as they have that, they want something totally different.

That’s why as a young woman you shouldn’t be taking cues from men, or anyone else for that matter, on how to conduct yourself and live your life. You can’t live for other people because you’ll never be able to relax — you’ll be adjusting and changing yourself constantly to fit what they want.

Tough But Important Questions
Do you feel as if the person you’re presenting to the world isn’t the true essence of who you are? Do you feel uncomfortable in your own skin? It takes a big person to admit this.

If the answer is yes, the next question is, so who are you? Start on the path to answering that question so that one day soon you can be all that you can be… on YOUR own terms.

Love Lynn

Lynn Gilliard is a writer and transformational blogger. She is the author of a popular relationship guide entitled Let Him Chase YOU and a self-help guide entitled Survive, Live or Thrive?

Why Are Some Women & Girls So “Thirsty” for Male Attention?

I once followed an average looking everyday guy on social media and commented on one of his posts with a laugh. Out of nowhere, a young girl appeared and in not so many words told me to “back off her man.”

It turned out that this girl was his “twifey” meaning she had never even met him! She just “claimed” him on social media and now she felt that it was her duty to swoop in to keep him from talking to the countless other girls he chats with on a daily basis.

I’ve also heard stories from women on Twitter who say that whenever a new guy follows them, four or five girls follow soon after. They are all stalking his account and monitoring his communications.

And it’s not just young teens. I’ve seen several cases of grown women fighting over one man on Twitter who neither of them have ever met.

This reminds me of a scene in The 10 Commandments movie where six sisters get all dolled up, dress provocatively and dance in competition for one man (Moses in the story). Ironically, he picked none of them. He lavished their attention but none of them caught his eye — he chose the one who kept to herself and stayed busy with other things.

I just want to know, not to be judgmental, but to spark thought on some solutions: what has caused this eagerness and desperation in so many young girls and women when it comes to men? The young people call it being “thirsty.”

When I was younger, we were a little boy crazy, but we had respect for ourselves and knew better than to chase boys down — especially if they were spreading themselves all around town. So what has happened over the past couple of decades that has made girls lose themselves? Here are a few theories:

1) Lack of loving fathers. Girls who do not have that strong fatherly figure in their lives at a young age don’t really know how to be around boys. They also cling because they’re afraid of them walking out like their fathers did. They may have also seen their mothers constantly compromise themselves for the sake of men.

2) The growth of social media as a negative influence on young girls. A lot of teens and young people spend almost all day chatting on social media websites. Young girls and women are bombarded with negative messages from young boys telling them how to look, how to be and how to act. They also see sexy photos of girls who their “crushes” worship and feel the need to compete (never mind that their boy crushes are ignored by those attention-seeking women).

And maybe it’s that social media has just made this desperate behavior from girls more transparent.

3) Degrading music and television that pretty much tells girls they’re worthless. Media influences period. If all a girl listens to are songs referring to her as a bitch or television shows showing women fighting over men, how will she get the confidence to prioritize her self-worth over a boy that she likes?

There are countless other theories, but really only one solution. We have to teach the young girls we know about self-respect and self-esteem from an early age. They have to know that they matter more than anything or anyone else. We have to show them — not just tell them, which means we have to believe wholeheartedly in our own self-worth. They also need to be taught to diversify their lives and get a hobby outside of chasing boys around. I’m putting the year on this post (2014) because I’m sincerely hoping that in future years this behavior will become a thing of the past!

When a man wants you, he wants you, and he’ll come for YOU. There is no need to be “thirsty” for him. You don’t have to feel insecure or compete with other women for what is TRULY yours.

Love Lynn

Lynn Gilliard is a writer and transformational blogger. She is the author of Friends with Benefits SUCKS, now available at Amazon.com

When He Says… Can I Have Your Number?

When he says: So can I have your number?

You say: No, I don’t think that would be a good idea.

If he starts to harass you about it, stalk you around the place or flips out and shows you his true colors (childish, insecure and emotionally unstable), you have just saved yourself a lot of trouble my dear!

If instead he politely thanks you for your conversation and calmly starts to walk away, you can then say.. “Hey, I was just kidding! I would love to connect!”

A simple way to quickly separate the rocks from the gems.

*** This goes without saying, but you should always be in a “safe space” when talking to someone new, whether it’s a crowded public place or a protected online account (don’t reveal personal information to someone you just started chatting with).

 

Stay tuned for more entries in the “When he says” series of posts.

Lynn Gilliard is a writer, transformational blogger and author of a popular relationship guide entitled Let Him Chase YOU.

When He Says… I Need a Woman to Support Me…


A series of off the cuff responses that you can keep handy when a “rock” (a guy who has the potential to hurt you real bad) tries to step his way into your life. Click and bookmark the tag “when he says” to save them all.

He says: “I need a woman who will ride for me not matter what (even if I cheat). I need a woman who will support me (while I look for a job). I need a woman who will help me take care of my responsibilities (including my child support payments).”

You say: “I’m still working on filling up my own cup of needs and at this point, I can’t spare a drop!”

Stay tuned for more entries in the “When he says” series of posts.

Lynn Gilliard is a writer, transformational blogger and author of a popular relationship guide entitled Let Him Chase YOU.

“Lucky to be Here”… Is This Your Mentality When Dating Men? (VH1 Couples Therapy)

I caught a bit of an episode of Couples Therapy on VH1 and the therapist made a comment that I think a lot of heterosexual women can relate to when dating or in relationships. She brought up the fact that some women accommodate men, even when it isn’t reciprocated, because they have a “lucky to be here” mentality.

Lucky to be here. What does that mean?

It basically means that the woman thinks that the man is the prize to be won over, pleased, supported and accommodated.

The media, our families and our peers have conditioned us to desperately seek the love and attention of a man. We’re told that we have to go out there and find a man or else there’s something wrong with us.

Because of this coaxing and pressure, a lot of women have developed the mentality that they’re lucky to be in the presence of a guy, even when he’s farrrrr from a catch.

On the VH1 Couples Therapy show a woman hangs on by strings to a rapper. He has told her to her face multiple times that she is not really his girlfriend and that he has other women. She still clings to him like Saran Wrap on a counter top! It is clear that in this “relationship,” which could be called a friends with benefits, she honestly believes that he is the prize and that she is so lucky to be with him. So lucky to be with a man who berates her in front of other people on TV and won’t claim her as his girlfriend even on a show called “Couples Therapy.”

When a woman has this mentality about a man, she has pretty much relinquished all of her power in the relationship. He knows that he can do whatever he wants to her and she’ll just accept it. A good man would just leave her alone. A bad man will use her up first and them leave her alone, worse off than before. If she continues in this manner eventually he is going to drop her cold for someone else who has a much better self-image and she will be hurt, wondering what happened.

“But I was such a good woman to him!” is what a “lucky to be here” woman who gets dumped will usually say. Doesn’t matter.

Do you have a “lucky to be here” mentality when you find yourself involved with a new guy? If so, ask yourself this serious question: what is this person adding to your life that would make you so lucky to be with him other than his presence? Now compare that to the list of things that you as a woman are giving him.

Who’s really lucky to be in the relationship?

Think it over.
Love Lynn

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Lynn Gilliard is a writer, transformational blogger and author of a popular relationship guide entitled Let Him Chase YOU.

Any Woman Can Have a Relationship, But Is It Respect-Filled and Rewarding?

I wrote my guide Let Him Chase YOU specifically for women who want respect-filled relationships with men. When it comes right down to it, mutual respect is what matters the most for a healthy relationship with a man, right?

– A man who respects you won’t put his hands on you except in a loving embrace

– A man who respects you will think twice before cheating on you

– A man who respects you will encourage your dreams

– A man who respects you will treat you how you want to be treated and listen to what you have to say

To be honest, it isn’t hard at all to have a relationship with a man if you’re willing to settle for someone who will disrespect you constantly. There are loads of unemployed, unfaithful, disrespectful guys out there ready and waiting for a beautiful, thoughtful, employed woman with her own place to take them in! They’ll even marry you (but you have to buy the ring of course).

The problem is that that kind of relationship turns into hell for a woman FAST.

So that is why I specifically talk about having a respect-filled relationship with a man. Respect is crucial if you desire a healthy long lasting union that may eventually lead to lifetime partnership or marriage.

Question for You
Take a look back at your last two ended relationships. Can you honestly beyond a shadow of a doubt say that the guy had the utmost respect for you as a woman and as a partner? Or was he just using you / biding his time?

Did you respect him?

Love Lynn


Lynn Gilliard is a writer, transformational blogger and author of a popular relationship guide entitled Let Him Chase YOU.