“Lucky to be Here”… Is This Your Mentality When Dating Men? (VH1 Couples Therapy)

I caught a bit of an episode of Couples Therapy on VH1 and the therapist made a comment that I think a lot of heterosexual women can relate to when dating or in relationships. She brought up the fact that some women accommodate men, even when it isn’t reciprocated, because they have a “lucky to be here” mentality.

Lucky to be here. What does that mean?

It basically means that the woman thinks that the man is the prize to be won over, pleased, supported and accommodated.

The media, our families and our peers have conditioned us to desperately seek the love and attention of a man. We’re told that we have to go out there and find a man or else there’s something wrong with us.

Because of this coaxing and pressure, a lot of women have developed the mentality that they’re lucky to be in the presence of a guy, even when he’s farrrrr from a catch.

On the VH1 Couples Therapy show a woman hangs on by strings to a rapper. He has told her to her face multiple times that she is not really his girlfriend and that he has other women. She still clings to him like Saran Wrap on a counter top! It is clear that in this “relationship,” which could be called a friends with benefits, she honestly believes that he is the prize and that she is so lucky to be with him. So lucky to be with a man who berates her in front of other people on TV and won’t claim her as his girlfriend even on a show called “Couples Therapy.”

When a woman has this mentality about a man, she has pretty much relinquished all of her power in the relationship. He knows that he can do whatever he wants to her and she’ll just accept it. A good man would just leave her alone. A bad man will use her up first and them leave her alone, worse off than before. If she continues in this manner eventually he is going to drop her cold for someone else who has a much better self-image and she will be hurt, wondering what happened.

“But I was such a good woman to him!” is what a “lucky to be here” woman who gets dumped will usually say. Doesn’t matter.

Do you have a “lucky to be here” mentality when you find yourself involved with a new guy? If so, ask yourself this serious question: what is this person adding to your life that would make you so lucky to be with him other than his presence? Now compare that to the list of things that you as a woman are giving him.

Who’s really lucky to be in the relationship?

Think it over.
Love Lynn

—–

Lynn Gilliard is a writer, transformational blogger and author of a popular relationship guide entitled Let Him Chase YOU.

Advertisements

Promoting HIM But Not Your Own Dreams and Goals

Oftentimes I see women and girls on Twitter promoting a new male artist, friend or associate. It’s to the point where they tweet or post about the guy every day, encouraging people to check out his song, book or other project.

On the other hand, I very rarely see men promoting women who are artists, authors, movers and shakers.

Why do women have a tendency to be so supportive of their male counterparts even when they don’t get anything in return?

The answer is that a lot of women have an overwhelming need for acceptance by men (and other people period). We think that by promoting a guy he will come to love you or respect you more for it.

The truth is that most guys will do no such thing. They will use women as work horses to do their bidding, and if they do come up, those same women will be left behind in the dust. The most these women get in the end is a pat on the head and a “gee thanks.”

I’m not saying that you shouldn’t throw your support behind another person who you really believe in. But when you’re doing this day in and day out for a man who you are not even married to OR related to, I think you should be clear about WHY you’re doing it. If you’re married, his come up is your come up. If not, his come up is HIS come up — no matter what he says in the present day.

Time Is Invaluable – Use It Wisely
When a woman spends all of her time promoting a man, but doesn’t spend any time improving herself and promoting her own projects, she’s allowing invaluable time to tick by. Her goals and dreams are important too!

I once dated a guy who had the mentality that I was his main supporter, but didn’t care about my dreams. He didn’t even know what they were! It was almost as if he thought of me like his assistant or secretary — not a human being with goals of my own. I finally woke up and realized I was being used. I told him to stop calling me about his get rich quick schemes. Of course he didn’t like that… oh well!

Support should be reciprocal and balanced. Whenever it’s heavily one-sided it’s just not natural and someone is going to be left feeling hurt and used. Keep that in mind the next time you’re thinking about retweeting some guy’s project for the 10th time while neglecting your own personal goals, dreams and projects!

Love Lynn

Any Woman Can Have a Relationship, But Is It Respect-Filled and Rewarding?

I wrote my guide Let Him Chase YOU specifically for women who want respect-filled relationships with men. When it comes right down to it, mutual respect is what matters the most for a healthy relationship with a man, right?

– A man who respects you won’t put his hands on you except in a loving embrace

– A man who respects you will think twice before cheating on you

– A man who respects you will encourage your dreams

– A man who respects you will treat you how you want to be treated and listen to what you have to say

To be honest, it isn’t hard at all to have a relationship with a man if you’re willing to settle for someone who will disrespect you constantly. There are loads of unemployed, unfaithful, disrespectful guys out there ready and waiting for a beautiful, thoughtful, employed woman with her own place to take them in! They’ll even marry you (but you have to buy the ring of course).

The problem is that that kind of relationship turns into hell for a woman FAST.

So that is why I specifically talk about having a respect-filled relationship with a man. Respect is crucial if you desire a healthy long lasting union that may eventually lead to lifetime partnership or marriage.

Question for You
Take a look back at your last two ended relationships. Can you honestly beyond a shadow of a doubt say that the guy had the utmost respect for you as a woman and as a partner? Or was he just using you / biding his time?

Did you respect him?

Love Lynn


Lynn Gilliard is a writer, transformational blogger and author of a popular relationship guide entitled Let Him Chase YOU.

How Long to Wait Before Sex? (Questions from Women on Dating)

Listen2

One of the top searched dating questions that women have about men is “how long to wait before sex?”

I don’t believe in putting an exact timeline on the answer, because the truth is that it varies from couple to couple.

friends with benefits question

Dating and Relationship Questions

My answer is simple: the right time to have sex with someone who you are dating is when you two have developed a bond, and not a moment sooner.

Sex Doesn’t Create a Committed Relationship
Women often make the mistake of associating the act of sex with an emotional bond. They mistakenly believe that the moment they have sex it means that a relationship has now formed.

Not so.

A serious relationship forms when you have developed a bond with the other person. The bond could have developed because you have made it through a tough situation together. It could form through long meaningful talks about life and your dreams every night. It could form through exploring mutual interests and spending loads of time together.

In some cases the bond is marriage–there is nothing wrong with waiting until a man commits to marry you before having sex if that is what you are most comfortable with.

Sex is an act that is best reserved for two people who have formed a bond with each other.

Sex with an Acquaintance = FWB or Booty Calls
Going out on a couple of dates where you laugh at each others’ jokes a few times is not a bond. You’re still just getting to know each other. You’re just acquaintances at that point.

Sure, you can go ahead and have sex at that time, but don’t expect a relationship to somehow develop where there really is none. That’s when you find yourself in a friends with benefits relationship or being treated like a booty call at the guy’s whim.

So this is the best answer to how long to wait before sex. Take a look at your last few cases of getting “pumped and dumped” or thrown into the friends with benefits zone. Was the guy someone you formed a REAL bond with, or just an acquaintance?

Therein lies your answer.

Love Lynn


Lynn Gilliard is the author of the relationship guide Let Him Chase YOU (available soon) and the eBook Friends With Benefits SUCKS (At Least for Women). She is an in-demand writer and transformational blogger helping people get in touch with their inner greatness.

Understanding Men: How Can He Just Forget Me So Easily?

The top two questions on the minds of women when understanding men is “how can he just stop calling all of a sudden” and “how can he just forget me so easily after getting to know me?”

phoneThe answer to that question is simple: guys don’t usually develop the same type of emotional attachment that women do early on in a relationship.

So he could be dating you for a couple of weeks or a couple of months and suddenly decide that he’s just not into it anymore. Meanwhile, you have developed some feelings and think it’s really going somewhere.

This happens most commonly after sex, which is why I advise women to wait until you have a deeper connection with a man, besides what’s on the surface, before you get intimate with him. Some guys will seem very interested in you in the beginning because they are involved in “the chase”– it’s exciting, like a video game!

But as soon as he’s won the game (sex) he’s going to enjoy a satisfied yawn, drop the control and go on about his business.

That is, unless he’s really had a chance to get to know you AS A PERSON, NOT A CONQUEST, in the process and genuinely enjoys your company as a woman AND friend.

This doesn’t mean that there is something that’s wrong with you (such as your looks or attractiveness) but it IS about the choices that you make while dating a guy you like. Giving too much of yourself too soon will bore the heck out of anyone.

The Solution
Understanding men is sometimes complicated, but the solution here is simple. Take your time, get to know the guy, what’s the rush? Continue to date other guys if you want, and don’t give up the goodies until you have developed a bond with him that actually exists–not just in your mind.

Love Lynn

Click below to share this post on Twitter with an @MENTION, and FOLLOW LYNN to receive a FREE copy of her eBook:

Friends With Benefits SUCKS (At Least for Women)

((~~~Very limited time offer~~~))


Lynn Gilliard is the author of the relationship guide Let Him Chase YOU (available now) and the eBook Friends With Benefits SUCKS (At Least for Women). She is an in-demand writer and transformational blogger helping people get in touch with their inner greatness.