Be All That YOU Can Be – Not What You Think a Man Wants You to Be

When I browse social media sites and come across young women in social settings, I often notice that it seems as if they’re trying too hard to be something that they’re obviously not.

A “bad b-word”
A hot girl
A bad girl
A tough girl
A sex symbol

Many of them are trying to emulate their favorite celebrities, but in most cases they’re doing it for one main reason: because they think boys will like it.

They take photos of themselves posing in uncomfortable ways to try to look sexy, wear tons of makeup, poke their lips out to try to look more sexy and use language that would make a sailor cringe.

And some of them do get the attention that they seek from boys and men… but it’s only temporary. As time goes on these girls are left in a tailspin of broken promises, broken “relationships” and broken hearts.

Why? Because they’re not being their authentic themselves — they’re trying to be someone else.

Boys and Men Are Confused Too
It’s not just girls who are confused about their identity — a lot of men and boys are also unsure of who they are and what they really want out of life. They think they want a woman who behaves or looks a certain way, but as soon as they have that, they want something totally different.

That’s why as a young woman you shouldn’t be taking cues from men, or anyone else for that matter, on how to conduct yourself and live your life. You can’t live for other people because you’ll never be able to relax — you’ll be adjusting and changing yourself constantly to fit what they want.

Tough But Important Questions
Do you feel as if the person you’re presenting to the world isn’t the true essence of who you are? Do you feel uncomfortable in your own skin? It takes a big person to admit this.

If the answer is yes, the next question is, so who are you? Start on the path to answering that question so that one day soon you can be all that you can be… on YOUR own terms.

Love Lynn

Lynn Gilliard is a writer and transformational blogger. She is the author of a popular relationship guide entitled Let Him Chase YOU and a self-help guide entitled Survive, Live or Thrive?

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Ways to Boost Your Self-Esteem After a Break Up

The termination of a relationship — especially one that you thought would last forever — may leave you plagued with low self-esteem and unhappy thoughts. Here are a few ways to boost your self-esteem and ease the transition into single life.

Rid Your Personal Space of All Relationship Reminders

Whether you were in a long or short-term relationship, you probably have gifts, clothes, ticket stubs or other mementos that are a constant reminder of your ex. This also includes pictures, texts, contact numbers, emails and saved tweets on social media. Keeping these items will not help you move forward in life. Keeping these items will give you a continual reminder of the past relationship. For example, you may have a picture of a vacation that you and your boyfriend shared hanging up on your wall that you see every night before you go to sleep. Having that vacation picture around keeps the guy on your mind all night and into the morning. It can hinder you from moving forward and being open to a new and fresh relationship. Remove all of these objects from your personal space so that you can begin the journey of living in the here and now.

Do a Personal Make Over

The end of a relationship is a good time to reinvent yourself. You may have felt that you should look or be a certain way to “keep” that guy around. Now is the time to step “outside of the box” and do something different. For instance, you might want to change your hair color or drastically change your hairstyle. Treat yourself to a shopping trip to change up your wardrobe a bit.

You should also treat yourself to a spa day to help release all of the negative energy that you harbored while in the relationship. When you’re opening yourself to new things in your life (including a new boyfriend at some point), you want to exude positive energy. Negative energy will only bring more negativity in your life.

Change the Conversations You Have With Yourself

Everyone talks to themselves, whether it’s verbally or mentally. When you’re getting over a breakup and need a self-esteem boost, it’s important to take a close look at how you’re talking to yourself every day. If you wake up telling yourself “this is going to be a bad day” it will probably be a bad day just like you thought. On the other hand, if you wake up telling yourself “this will be a glorious day” then a glorious day will most likely be ahead of you. It’s all up to you.

Volunteer

Sometimes when you need help the best solution is to help others. Research organizations that are looking for volunteers to assist people who are in need of help — namely seniors and children. They can light up your life in a number of ways and give you a better perspective on life. Identify your special skills or interests and share them with others. For example, if you are a person that is athletically apt, volunteer at the YMCA. If you are more of the scholar type, you can volunteer as a tutor at a local community. Giving back to your community is an awesome way to stop thinking about your ex, fill up your schedule with activities and also make someone else feel good.

DANCE!

Spend some time putting an exciting and energetic playlist together, then get up and DANCE like no one’s watching. Dancing to your favorite music releases endorphins and dopamine (the feel good chemical). It helps improve your mood, gives you a better outlook and will help you forget about that guy ‘what’s his name.’ Just let loose and put your body in motion. When you’re with a friend, have a dance competition to see who does it best.

Breaking up is almost always challenging at first, but it becomes easier as time goes on until one day you can’t even remember why you liked that guy. Use these simple tips to boost your self-esteem to help speed things along.

 

Love Lynn

Lynn Gilliard is a writer and transformational blogger. She is the author of a popular relationship guide entitled Let Him Chase YOU and a self-help guide entitled Survive, Live or Thrive?

“Lucky to be Here”… Is This Your Mentality When Dating Men? (VH1 Couples Therapy)

I caught a bit of an episode of Couples Therapy on VH1 and the therapist made a comment that I think a lot of heterosexual women can relate to when dating or in relationships. She brought up the fact that some women accommodate men, even when it isn’t reciprocated, because they have a “lucky to be here” mentality.

Lucky to be here. What does that mean?

It basically means that the woman thinks that the man is the prize to be won over, pleased, supported and accommodated.

The media, our families and our peers have conditioned us to desperately seek the love and attention of a man. We’re told that we have to go out there and find a man or else there’s something wrong with us.

Because of this coaxing and pressure, a lot of women have developed the mentality that they’re lucky to be in the presence of a guy, even when he’s farrrrr from a catch.

On the VH1 Couples Therapy show a woman hangs on by strings to a rapper. He has told her to her face multiple times that she is not really his girlfriend and that he has other women. She still clings to him like Saran Wrap on a counter top! It is clear that in this “relationship,” which could be called a friends with benefits, she honestly believes that he is the prize and that she is so lucky to be with him. So lucky to be with a man who berates her in front of other people on TV and won’t claim her as his girlfriend even on a show called “Couples Therapy.”

When a woman has this mentality about a man, she has pretty much relinquished all of her power in the relationship. He knows that he can do whatever he wants to her and she’ll just accept it. A good man would just leave her alone. A bad man will use her up first and them leave her alone, worse off than before. If she continues in this manner eventually he is going to drop her cold for someone else who has a much better self-image and she will be hurt, wondering what happened.

“But I was such a good woman to him!” is what a “lucky to be here” woman who gets dumped will usually say. Doesn’t matter.

Do you have a “lucky to be here” mentality when you find yourself involved with a new guy? If so, ask yourself this serious question: what is this person adding to your life that would make you so lucky to be with him other than his presence? Now compare that to the list of things that you as a woman are giving him.

Who’s really lucky to be in the relationship?

Think it over.
Love Lynn

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Lynn Gilliard is a writer, transformational blogger and author of a popular relationship guide entitled Let Him Chase YOU.

If You Really Want to Be Married, You Can Be, But…

I’ve touched on this point in the past, but I wanted to expand on it. I watched a new show last night called Blood Sweat and Tears on Bravo that inspired these thoughts. In it, one of the women met a 40+ year old man who had been living with his girlfriend for 20 years (I think you might call that a common law marriage, right?) When the cast member found out about it, she was hurt, but shortly after that she moved him into her beautiful NYC apartment.

(Somehow I get the feeling that the 20 year girlfriend wasn’t too distraught about him finally moving out.)

I won’t judge the cast member, because that is her choice, but I will use this as an example of my point that any woman who really wants to get married or have a relationship can do so quite easily.

When you’re willing to drop your standards for the sake of a relationship, you’ll find that there are plenty of bums guys who will want a wife to take care of them (and move into her place) because they haven’t been able to take care of themselves in life.

friends with benefits question

Dating and Relationship Questions

But is that really what you want for your own life? Someone else to take care of just so that you can say you were married?

So this is why I say that any woman who really wants to be married can be married. Happily married, not so much.

Always Married, Always Divorced
Have you ever known a woman who always seems to be getting married? She gets out of one bad marriage and six months later she’s engaged again?

9 times out of 10 it’s because she is one of those women who hasn’t set many standards when it comes to men. Getting married and having a man is all that matters to her in life. She will become ANY man’s wife — even if he doesn’t have a job, mistreats her, is abusive or has another woman on the side. And she will chase him.

There are plenty of men out there who would LOVE to marry a good woman with a job, her own place and plenty of food stocked in her fridge. Of course he needs a car to drive around (and gas money) so that he can impress other women and his friends. Basically, he doesn’t have to do anything but exist!

The question is, are YOU as a woman going to be happy in that type of arrangement?

A relationship — especially a marriage — should be reciprocal.

Rocks vs Gems
In my book Let Him Chase YOU, I talk about the difference between “rocks” (men that will hurt you) and “gems” (men that nourish your soul). Let’s just say that there seems to be a high rock-to-gem ratio in some places.

Because of this, women of standards may spend a lot of time single compared to women who have thrown standards out of the window, but you have to ask yourself a few serious questions:

Is having a man in your life at all times more important than maintaining your dignity and self respect as a woman?

Is it worthwhile getting married to a man who you know deep down you’ll probably divorce one day? A man who you’ll have to support throughout your marriage and maybe even after (men get alimony too)?

I don’t think any woman really wants this, but I do understand why some women fall into this trap. I get it — it’s hard navigating this world alone sometimes, but it’s even harder doing it with someone who could make your life more challenging than it needs to be.

Love Lynn

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Lynn Gilliard is a writer, transformational blogger and author of a popular relationship guide entitled Let Him Chase YOU.

Feeling Alone: When You’re All You’ve Got, That’s More Than Enough

One of the most difficult yet powerful experiences you can have is finding yourself in a position where the only person on this earth you can count on or call on is YOU.

I went through this experience after losing someone who was very near and dear to me. It was extremely difficult to go from talking to this friend every day to not talking at all.

What hurt even more was when my phone went completely silent and I didn’t hear from anyone for weeks at a time. Now THAT is an eye opening experience.

But even in the midst of the disappointment and loneliness, somehow I knew that it was an important learning experience. It was something I had to go through. I constantly heard that little voice within tell me that it was going to be okay; that I needed to go through this to prove to myself that I could make it on my own. That I had to stop relying on the support or approval of others to get by in life. That all I had to do was trust in God — even if no one on this earth is there for me, God is with me always.

It took some time but I slowly picked myself up and pushed forward. Even though I felt as if I was crumbling inside each day, I went to work at a new job where no one knew me. I smiled (even when I wanted to cry) and eventually became one of the best workers there. I kept pushing on.

I listened to motivational speakers, like Les Brown and Napoleon Hill who told me that I am in total control of my destiny. That my own negative thoughts and beliefs were what was holding me back from happiness.

Slowly but surely I started to become myself again until I finally pulled myself completely out of that dark place. I started back on my path even more refreshed and motivated then ever. And I did it all on my own! That is so powerful.

If you’re going through a similar experience where you feel completely alone and like you’re all you’ve got in this world, this may just be an important lesson — a lesson that if learned could empower you throughout your life.

Even if you feel like you’re all you’ve got in the world, you’ve got to convince yourself that you’re enough. You don’t need someone else to come to your rescue — step up, take responsibility for your life and SAVE YOURSELF !

Love Lynn

Lynn Gilliard is a writer, transformational blogger and author of a popular relationship guide entitled Let Him Chase YOU.

Promoting HIM But Not Your Own Dreams and Goals

Oftentimes I see women and girls on Twitter promoting a new male artist, friend or associate. It’s to the point where they tweet or post about the guy every day, encouraging people to check out his song, book or other project.

On the other hand, I very rarely see men promoting women who are artists, authors, movers and shakers.

Why do women have a tendency to be so supportive of their male counterparts even when they don’t get anything in return?

The answer is that a lot of women have an overwhelming need for acceptance by men (and other people period). We think that by promoting a guy he will come to love you or respect you more for it.

The truth is that most guys will do no such thing. They will use women as work horses to do their bidding, and if they do come up, those same women will be left behind in the dust. The most these women get in the end is a pat on the head and a “gee thanks.”

I’m not saying that you shouldn’t throw your support behind another person who you really believe in. But when you’re doing this day in and day out for a man who you are not even married to OR related to, I think you should be clear about WHY you’re doing it. If you’re married, his come up is your come up. If not, his come up is HIS come up — no matter what he says in the present day.

Time Is Invaluable – Use It Wisely
When a woman spends all of her time promoting a man, but doesn’t spend any time improving herself and promoting her own projects, she’s allowing invaluable time to tick by. Her goals and dreams are important too!

I once dated a guy who had the mentality that I was his main supporter, but didn’t care about my dreams. He didn’t even know what they were! It was almost as if he thought of me like his assistant or secretary — not a human being with goals of my own. I finally woke up and realized I was being used. I told him to stop calling me about his get rich quick schemes. Of course he didn’t like that… oh well!

Support should be reciprocal and balanced. Whenever it’s heavily one-sided it’s just not natural and someone is going to be left feeling hurt and used. Keep that in mind the next time you’re thinking about retweeting some guy’s project for the 10th time while neglecting your own personal goals, dreams and projects!

Love Lynn

Whoever Said Words Can Never Hurt… Lied !

From the time we were kids we were taught the saying:

“Sticks and stones may break bones but words will never hurt me”

I don’t know who came up with that saying, maybe someone with good intentions who was trying to help, but it’s a lie nonetheless.

Words hurt. They can cut DEEP and leave scars that don’t always heal with time.

How else can you explain someone who is 40 years old and still hurt about being teased or shunned in high school? How else do you explain a person living a limited, unhappy life just because someone told them they wouldn’t amount to anything?

A number of recent events in my own life have shown me the true power of words, how they can really hurt and how they can sit on a person’s soul for years and years — sometimes even a lifetime.

When someone tells a child that “sticks and stones” line they’re assuming that the child is strong enough to resist the ugliness of those words. Not all children are — some children are fragile and don’t have high self-esteem. They need more training and more encouragement at home to be able to prevent internalizing those hurtful words for years into the future.

A Better Saying…
I think the better saying would be that words may hurt you, but you shouldn’t let them DEFINE you.

You can’t deny that when someone says something hurtful to you, it stings. But the strength is in taking that insult in the proper context and then REJECTING it completely.

This is the proper context: people who try to hurt you with their words are reflecting their own hurt out into the world. The way they choose to deal with their own pain is to try to make someone else feel worse. They get a fleeting satisfaction from that (keyword: fleeting).

It’s up to each one of us to recognize this so that we can better let those ugly utterances bounce right off of us like jello, knowing that it has no basis in reality. Its real basis is in anger, emotional pain and confusion.

So let’s repeat this new affirmation to ourselves and to the young people in our lives: words might hurt you, but you can’t let them DEFINE you.

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.”
– Ralph Waldo Emerson

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Lynn Gilliard is a writer, transformational blogger and author of a popular relationship guide entitled Let Him Chase YOU.