Downsides of a Friends with Benefits Relationship

Maintaining a friends with benefits relationship may sound great in theory, but in practice it can be a lot more complicated!

If you’ve ever been in a relationship that can only be defined as a friends with benefits situation, you know that there are some downsides to this seemingly ideal arrangement.

Defining a Friends with Benefits Relationship

Some people start off on the wrong foot of a friends with benefits relationship because they don’t even realize that they are in one! They may have initially thought that things were going in a positive direction towards something more, but soon learn, sometimes too late, that the relationship isn’t going any further than it already has. Then it becomes more and more difficult to end things cleanly.

Let’s clarify the definition of a friends with benefits relationship: it is one where the two people have an understanding that they are absolutely not in a committed relationship. The sole purpose of the relationship is physical pleasure and occasional companionship.

As simple as that sounds, most FWB relationships don’t turn out well.

Feelings Get Involved on One Side

It is very rare that two people can date for a long, extended period of time without one side catching feelings for the other, especially since physical closeness is a part of a FWB relationship. This is the reason why friends with benefits relationships usually don’t last past a few months.

Once one person starts to show too much emotion, the other start trying to move on. Most of the time it is the female in a male-female FWB relationship that tends to become emotionally involved because of a chemical called oxytocin, but there are some cases where the female has the upper hand and will end a FWB relationship because she’s “just not that into him.”

Breaking it Off When You Find Someone New

When you have gotten yourself caught up in a friends with benefits situation, you have tied yourself to that person in a very serious way by sleeping together so often. So when you meet someone new who you actually might want to get serious with, it becomes difficult to break it off with the other friend. It’s especially hard when the other person seems to have developed some feelings for you.

This can create an awkward situation for everyone involved (including the new person) — there are almost certainly going to be some feelings that get hurt. That’s why if you’re looking for a serious relationship in the near future, it’s probably best to stay celibate instead of taking on a “buddy” as a fill in. Be patient and wait for that someone who you could actually see yourself mutually bonding with on more than just a physical level.

Guest Post by Jade

 

Learn more about FWB relationships and how to avoid them in the eBook Friends with Benefits SUCKS (At Least for Women).

 

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Signs that You Are in a Friends with Benefits (FWB) Relationship

Tips to determine if you’re in a friends with benefits situation.

Friends with benefits relationships can be complicated. Sometimes women find themselves in these arrangements but aren’t 100% sure of the guy’s intentions. Here are a few ways that you will know you are undoubtedly in a FWB situation, which is a temporary fling where the guy’s intentions are to simply have sex whenever he wants with “no strings.”

He’s Never Taken You Out to Eat

In most cases, a guy will only spend money on a woman for one of two reasons 1) he thinks it will increase his chances of getting her into bed later or 2) he wants to impress the girl and treat her like a lady so that she will take him seriously. If you have never seen a meal, period, yet you have been to the guy’s house for a movie, then 90% of the time you have placed yourself squarely in a friends with benefits situation.

Don’t believe what anyone else tells you — a man who never spends money on you and never takes you out in public is not interested in you for a serious relationship. Most men genuinely enjoy spending money on a woman that they really like. They want to show her a good time and put a smile on her face.

If he isn’t actively doing this with you, yet you guys have sex on a regular basis, it’s safe to assume that you are in a friends with benefits relationship.

You Only Hear from Him Via Text

Text messaging has effectively replaced those 30 second phone calls that you used to have with a guy who only wanted to tell you he was on his way. But a guy who is really serious about you will want to hear your voice from time to time on the phone.

A guy who only sends you a text message or two in between meetings is most likely using you as second option, or a backup option when his first choice doesn’t come through. So if you can’t remember the last time your guy called you, and you never had a discussion about being exclusive with each other, it’s probably safe to assume that you are in a friends with benefits situation.

You Only See Your Guy at Night

The final most telling sign that you are in a friends with benefits relationship is if you only see the guy at night time. If you frequently find yourself walking or driving to your guy’s house in the middle of the night when everyone else is asleep, or if you are regularly woken from your sleep by a text message at 3 a.m. asking if he can “come by” then you are probably in a FWB situation. At 3 a.m., most men have exhausted all of their options and you are the “old faithful” they can count on for a romp in the bed.

These signs of being in an FWB relationship can also apply to guys. Women aren’t the only ones who sometimes find themselves entangled in a friends with benefits relationship that they don’t really want. If this isn’t the relationship that you intended, then you know what to do!

Guest post by: Jade

 

Learn more about FWB relationships and how to avoid them in the eBook Friends with Benefits SUCKS (At Least for Women).

 

 

Why Do I Keep Dating the Same Guy Over and Over Again?

A lot of women who find themselves in unsuccessful relationships want to know: “why do I keep dating the same guy over and over again?”

The easy answer is that you’re attracting the same guy with your energy, actions, beliefs and words. But I think it goes even deeper than this. Here’s one theory that many psychologists and relationship experts believe is the reason behind why women who have a hard time finding love keep choosing the same types of men over and over.

I believe this theory because I have personally experienced it.

The Dad Effect
It’s a proven fact (maybe not scientific but definitely experiential) that women often date men who are a lot like their fathers. This can be a good or a bad thing based on what a woman’s father was like.

Women who have dads who have serious problems (like alcoholism, drugs and abuse) or are absent often actively attract men who mimic those traits. They attract troubled and unavailable men.

The Cycle Begins
Then what happens is that the woman subconsciously tries to resolve her issues with her father (the first man in her life) with the men that she dates. She tries to “fix” him, mold him, make him love her or make him stay forever. She supports him and loves him in every way — even when it isn’t reciprocated.

When this woman is unsuccessful making a man love her and stay, which is almost always the case, she relives the devastation of losing or feeling unloved by her father and then repeats the process with another guy. The same type of guy as before. It happens over and over again.

It’s like a vicious cycle, but like any cycle, it can be broken. The first key to breaking this common pattern is to recognize that it’s a problem.

Tough Questions
Do you seem to attract the same type of guy over and over again? Guys that hurt you and leave you feeling empty or unfulfilled?

Do you think that it’s because you’re still trying to make a past relationship right?

If so, knowing this, what can you do to stop this pattern from repeating again? Here are a few tips:

Talk to someone.
Forgive.
Release the past so that you can move forward & date better.
Learn true love for self before you try to give your love to another.

Love Lynn

Lynn Gilliard is a writer and transformational blogger. She is the author of a popular relationship guide entitled Let Him Chase YOU and a self-help guide entitled Survive, Live or Thrive?

Ways to Boost Your Self-Esteem After a Break Up

The termination of a relationship — especially one that you thought would last forever — may leave you plagued with low self-esteem and unhappy thoughts. Here are a few ways to boost your self-esteem and ease the transition into single life.

Rid Your Personal Space of All Relationship Reminders

Whether you were in a long or short-term relationship, you probably have gifts, clothes, ticket stubs or other mementos that are a constant reminder of your ex. This also includes pictures, texts, contact numbers, emails and saved tweets on social media. Keeping these items will not help you move forward in life. Keeping these items will give you a continual reminder of the past relationship. For example, you may have a picture of a vacation that you and your boyfriend shared hanging up on your wall that you see every night before you go to sleep. Having that vacation picture around keeps the guy on your mind all night and into the morning. It can hinder you from moving forward and being open to a new and fresh relationship. Remove all of these objects from your personal space so that you can begin the journey of living in the here and now.

Do a Personal Make Over

The end of a relationship is a good time to reinvent yourself. You may have felt that you should look or be a certain way to “keep” that guy around. Now is the time to step “outside of the box” and do something different. For instance, you might want to change your hair color or drastically change your hairstyle. Treat yourself to a shopping trip to change up your wardrobe a bit.

You should also treat yourself to a spa day to help release all of the negative energy that you harbored while in the relationship. When you’re opening yourself to new things in your life (including a new boyfriend at some point), you want to exude positive energy. Negative energy will only bring more negativity in your life.

Change the Conversations You Have With Yourself

Everyone talks to themselves, whether it’s verbally or mentally. When you’re getting over a breakup and need a self-esteem boost, it’s important to take a close look at how you’re talking to yourself every day. If you wake up telling yourself “this is going to be a bad day” it will probably be a bad day just like you thought. On the other hand, if you wake up telling yourself “this will be a glorious day” then a glorious day will most likely be ahead of you. It’s all up to you.

Volunteer

Sometimes when you need help the best solution is to help others. Research organizations that are looking for volunteers to assist people who are in need of help — namely seniors and children. They can light up your life in a number of ways and give you a better perspective on life. Identify your special skills or interests and share them with others. For example, if you are a person that is athletically apt, volunteer at the YMCA. If you are more of the scholar type, you can volunteer as a tutor at a local community. Giving back to your community is an awesome way to stop thinking about your ex, fill up your schedule with activities and also make someone else feel good.

DANCE!

Spend some time putting an exciting and energetic playlist together, then get up and DANCE like no one’s watching. Dancing to your favorite music releases endorphins and dopamine (the feel good chemical). It helps improve your mood, gives you a better outlook and will help you forget about that guy ‘what’s his name.’ Just let loose and put your body in motion. When you’re with a friend, have a dance competition to see who does it best.

Breaking up is almost always challenging at first, but it becomes easier as time goes on until one day you can’t even remember why you liked that guy. Use these simple tips to boost your self-esteem to help speed things along.

 

Love Lynn

Lynn Gilliard is a writer and transformational blogger. She is the author of a popular relationship guide entitled Let Him Chase YOU and a self-help guide entitled Survive, Live or Thrive?

If You Really Want to Be Married, You Can Be, But…

I’ve touched on this point in the past, but I wanted to expand on it. I watched a new show last night called Blood Sweat and Tears on Bravo that inspired these thoughts. In it, one of the women met a 40+ year old man who had been living with his girlfriend for 20 years (I think you might call that a common law marriage, right?) When the cast member found out about it, she was hurt, but shortly after that she moved him into her beautiful NYC apartment.

(Somehow I get the feeling that the 20 year girlfriend wasn’t too distraught about him finally moving out.)

I won’t judge the cast member, because that is her choice, but I will use this as an example of my point that any woman who really wants to get married or have a relationship can do so quite easily.

When you’re willing to drop your standards for the sake of a relationship, you’ll find that there are plenty of bums guys who will want a wife to take care of them (and move into her place) because they haven’t been able to take care of themselves in life.

friends with benefits question

Dating and Relationship Questions

But is that really what you want for your own life? Someone else to take care of just so that you can say you were married?

So this is why I say that any woman who really wants to be married can be married. Happily married, not so much.

Always Married, Always Divorced
Have you ever known a woman who always seems to be getting married? She gets out of one bad marriage and six months later she’s engaged again?

9 times out of 10 it’s because she is one of those women who hasn’t set many standards when it comes to men. Getting married and having a man is all that matters to her in life. She will become ANY man’s wife — even if he doesn’t have a job, mistreats her, is abusive or has another woman on the side. And she will chase him.

There are plenty of men out there who would LOVE to marry a good woman with a job, her own place and plenty of food stocked in her fridge. Of course he needs a car to drive around (and gas money) so that he can impress other women and his friends. Basically, he doesn’t have to do anything but exist!

The question is, are YOU as a woman going to be happy in that type of arrangement?

A relationship — especially a marriage — should be reciprocal.

Rocks vs Gems
In my book Let Him Chase YOU, I talk about the difference between “rocks” (men that will hurt you) and “gems” (men that nourish your soul). Let’s just say that there seems to be a high rock-to-gem ratio in some places.

Because of this, women of standards may spend a lot of time single compared to women who have thrown standards out of the window, but you have to ask yourself a few serious questions:

Is having a man in your life at all times more important than maintaining your dignity and self respect as a woman?

Is it worthwhile getting married to a man who you know deep down you’ll probably divorce one day? A man who you’ll have to support throughout your marriage and maybe even after (men get alimony too)?

I don’t think any woman really wants this, but I do understand why some women fall into this trap. I get it — it’s hard navigating this world alone sometimes, but it’s even harder doing it with someone who could make your life more challenging than it needs to be.

Love Lynn

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Lynn Gilliard is a writer, transformational blogger and author of a popular relationship guide entitled Let Him Chase YOU.

Are You Looking for Male Approval?

What’s one of the top reasons women settle for friends with benefits relationships?

Because a lot of women are constantly seeking male approval. Why is that though? Let’s talk about it.

Her Story
A woman who feels a strong need to please men commonly has one of two stories — either she did not have a father in her life at all, or had a father who did not show her how to love and receive love from a man in the proper way.

A woman who grows up without a father often feels a strong need to go above and beyond to keep a man, any man, in her life. She’s afraid of him leaving her the way that her father left. So she seeks his approval of who she is as a woman.

On the other hand, a woman who had a majorly flawed father in her life learns how to protect and make excuses for “bad” men even when they aren’t behaving or treating her right. It’s another form of seeking their approval as a woman who will “ride” for her man no matter what.

How many of us can admit to having one of these stories, which led us to actively seek male approval and validation in our lives?

*Raising my hand.*

Once we admit to having this story we can move past it and catch ourselves when we’re doing it. I no longer need the approval of a man, or ANYONE for that matter.

I only need my OWN approval and validation. That and God’s stamp of approval of course.

A man is an addition to your already full and complete life, he doesn’t define who you are.

Can you admit to yourself that you are constantly looking for male approval in your life? Maybe it’s time to start seeking your OWN love and approval before any one else’s.

Love Lynn

 

Lynn Gilliard is a writer, transformational blogger and author of a popular relationship guide entitled Let Him Chase YOU.

No Strings Attached, What the Hell Is That?

Have you ever seen a dating ad where the guy says he wants “no strings attached.” What the hell does that mean anyway?

Everything in our life is connected by varying degrees of strings. Our bodies are held together by various types of “strings,” like tendons, our spine and our bones to keep us in an upright position. We have invisible “strings attached” to the people we’re related to (if you don’t believe that, why do your parents and siblings have such a strong influence on your life?)

You wouldn’t even be able to read this blog post if it weren’t for a ” string tethering your cellphone or laptop to keep it powered up.

When I see an ad that says “no strings attached” I think, what planet are you living on dude? There are always going to be strings attached when you relate with another person, whether you like it or not.

I believe that we’re all a part of One. We’ve just been socialized from birth to believe that we need to separate into different groups, ideologies and classes. We’re all connected, we just don’t know it. Yes that girl you only want a “no strings” relationship with is connected to you in some way, and the way that you treat her will come back to you just as sure as 1+1=2.

So if you are with a guy who insists on a no-strings attached relationship, hey you just might be with a crazy person — run! Quick! No seriously, drop what you’re holding and get the heck out of there!

“Strings” are what hold us all together as human beings and sustain us.

Love Lynn


Lynn Gilliard is the “Big Sis” of dating advice and the author of a popular guide entitled Let Him Chase YOU.