Downsides of a Friends with Benefits Relationship

Maintaining a friends with benefits relationship may sound great in theory, but in practice it can be a lot more complicated!

If you’ve ever been in a relationship that can only be defined as a friends with benefits situation, you know that there are some downsides to this seemingly ideal arrangement.

Defining a Friends with Benefits Relationship

Some people start off on the wrong foot of a friends with benefits relationship because they don’t even realize that they are in one! They may have initially thought that things were going in a positive direction towards something more, but soon learn, sometimes too late, that the relationship isn’t going any further than it already has. Then it becomes more and more difficult to end things cleanly.

Let’s clarify the definition of a friends with benefits relationship: it is one where the two people have an understanding that they are absolutely not in a committed relationship. The sole purpose of the relationship is physical pleasure and occasional companionship.

As simple as that sounds, most FWB relationships don’t turn out well.

Feelings Get Involved on One Side

It is very rare that two people can date for a long, extended period of time without one side catching feelings for the other, especially since physical closeness is a part of a FWB relationship. This is the reason why friends with benefits relationships usually don’t last past a few months.

Once one person starts to show too much emotion, the other start trying to move on. Most of the time it is the female in a male-female FWB relationship that tends to become emotionally involved because of a chemical called oxytocin, but there are some cases where the female has the upper hand and will end a FWB relationship because she’s “just not that into him.”

Breaking it Off When You Find Someone New

When you have gotten yourself caught up in a friends with benefits situation, you have tied yourself to that person in a very serious way by sleeping together so often. So when you meet someone new who you actually might want to get serious with, it becomes difficult to break it off with the other friend. It’s especially hard when the other person seems to have developed some feelings for you.

This can create an awkward situation for everyone involved (including the new person) — there are almost certainly going to be some feelings that get hurt. That’s why if you’re looking for a serious relationship in the near future, it’s probably best to stay celibate instead of taking on a “buddy” as a fill in. Be patient and wait for that someone who you could actually see yourself mutually bonding with on more than just a physical level.

Guest Post by Jade

 

Learn more about FWB relationships and how to avoid them in the eBook Friends with Benefits SUCKS (At Least for Women).

 

Signs that You Are in a Friends with Benefits (FWB) Relationship

Tips to determine if you’re in a friends with benefits situation.

Friends with benefits relationships can be complicated. Sometimes women find themselves in these arrangements but aren’t 100% sure of the guy’s intentions. Here are a few ways that you will know you are undoubtedly in a FWB situation, which is a temporary fling where the guy’s intentions are to simply have sex whenever he wants with “no strings.”

He’s Never Taken You Out to Eat

In most cases, a guy will only spend money on a woman for one of two reasons 1) he thinks it will increase his chances of getting her into bed later or 2) he wants to impress the girl and treat her like a lady so that she will take him seriously. If you have never seen a meal, period, yet you have been to the guy’s house for a movie, then 90% of the time you have placed yourself squarely in a friends with benefits situation.

Don’t believe what anyone else tells you — a man who never spends money on you and never takes you out in public is not interested in you for a serious relationship. Most men genuinely enjoy spending money on a woman that they really like. They want to show her a good time and put a smile on her face.

If he isn’t actively doing this with you, yet you guys have sex on a regular basis, it’s safe to assume that you are in a friends with benefits relationship.

You Only Hear from Him Via Text

Text messaging has effectively replaced those 30 second phone calls that you used to have with a guy who only wanted to tell you he was on his way. But a guy who is really serious about you will want to hear your voice from time to time on the phone.

A guy who only sends you a text message or two in between meetings is most likely using you as second option, or a backup option when his first choice doesn’t come through. So if you can’t remember the last time your guy called you, and you never had a discussion about being exclusive with each other, it’s probably safe to assume that you are in a friends with benefits situation.

You Only See Your Guy at Night

The final most telling sign that you are in a friends with benefits relationship is if you only see the guy at night time. If you frequently find yourself walking or driving to your guy’s house in the middle of the night when everyone else is asleep, or if you are regularly woken from your sleep by a text message at 3 a.m. asking if he can “come by” then you are probably in a FWB situation. At 3 a.m., most men have exhausted all of their options and you are the “old faithful” they can count on for a romp in the bed.

These signs of being in an FWB relationship can also apply to guys. Women aren’t the only ones who sometimes find themselves entangled in a friends with benefits relationship that they don’t really want. If this isn’t the relationship that you intended, then you know what to do!

Guest post by: Jade

 

Learn more about FWB relationships and how to avoid them in the eBook Friends with Benefits SUCKS (At Least for Women).

 

 

“Lucky to be Here”… Is This Your Mentality When Dating Men? (VH1 Couples Therapy)

I caught a bit of an episode of Couples Therapy on VH1 and the therapist made a comment that I think a lot of heterosexual women can relate to when dating or in relationships. She brought up the fact that some women accommodate men, even when it isn’t reciprocated, because they have a “lucky to be here” mentality.

Lucky to be here. What does that mean?

It basically means that the woman thinks that the man is the prize to be won over, pleased, supported and accommodated.

The media, our families and our peers have conditioned us to desperately seek the love and attention of a man. We’re told that we have to go out there and find a man or else there’s something wrong with us.

Because of this coaxing and pressure, a lot of women have developed the mentality that they’re lucky to be in the presence of a guy, even when he’s farrrrr from a catch.

On the VH1 Couples Therapy show a woman hangs on by strings to a rapper. He has told her to her face multiple times that she is not really his girlfriend and that he has other women. She still clings to him like Saran Wrap on a counter top! It is clear that in this “relationship,” which could be called a friends with benefits, she honestly believes that he is the prize and that she is so lucky to be with him. So lucky to be with a man who berates her in front of other people on TV and won’t claim her as his girlfriend even on a show called “Couples Therapy.”

When a woman has this mentality about a man, she has pretty much relinquished all of her power in the relationship. He knows that he can do whatever he wants to her and she’ll just accept it. A good man would just leave her alone. A bad man will use her up first and them leave her alone, worse off than before. If she continues in this manner eventually he is going to drop her cold for someone else who has a much better self-image and she will be hurt, wondering what happened.

“But I was such a good woman to him!” is what a “lucky to be here” woman who gets dumped will usually say. Doesn’t matter.

Do you have a “lucky to be here” mentality when you find yourself involved with a new guy? If so, ask yourself this serious question: what is this person adding to your life that would make you so lucky to be with him other than his presence? Now compare that to the list of things that you as a woman are giving him.

Who’s really lucky to be in the relationship?

Think it over.
Love Lynn

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Lynn Gilliard is a writer, transformational blogger and author of a popular relationship guide entitled Let Him Chase YOU.

No Strings Attached, What the Hell Is That?

Have you ever seen a dating ad where the guy says he wants “no strings attached.” What the hell does that mean anyway?

Everything in our life is connected by varying degrees of strings. Our bodies are held together by various types of “strings,” like tendons, our spine and our bones to keep us in an upright position. We have invisible “strings attached” to the people we’re related to (if you don’t believe that, why do your parents and siblings have such a strong influence on your life?)

You wouldn’t even be able to read this blog post if it weren’t for a ” string tethering your cellphone or laptop to keep it powered up.

When I see an ad that says “no strings attached” I think, what planet are you living on dude? There are always going to be strings attached when you relate with another person, whether you like it or not.

I believe that we’re all a part of One. We’ve just been socialized from birth to believe that we need to separate into different groups, ideologies and classes. We’re all connected, we just don’t know it. Yes that girl you only want a “no strings” relationship with is connected to you in some way, and the way that you treat her will come back to you just as sure as 1+1=2.

So if you are with a guy who insists on a no-strings attached relationship, hey you just might be with a crazy person — run! Quick! No seriously, drop what you’re holding and get the heck out of there!

“Strings” are what hold us all together as human beings and sustain us.

Love Lynn


Lynn Gilliard is the “Big Sis” of dating advice and the author of a popular guide entitled Let Him Chase YOU.

Are You a “Me Too” Girl?

What’s a “me too” girl?

It’s a woman who goes along to get along instead of expressing her own singular thoughts and beliefs.

It might be a woman who goes right along with everything her friends or associates do and say.

That might be a woman who does everything that her family tells her to do.

That might also be a woman who goes along with everything a guy she’s dating or wants to date tells her.

A “me too” mentality is why many women end up in friends with benefits situations. They are too quick to go along with what a guy wants instead of being true to what they really want.

So when a guy says “I don’t want a real relationship.”

She says “me too.”

When he says he wants sex with no strings attached, she says “me too.”

Lies. With every “me too” you lose a little piece of yourself (maybe more).

Don’t be a me too girl. A woman who stands up and says what she believes, no matter what, is a powerful force to be reckoned with.

Love Lynn

7 Reasons Why It’s Better to be SINGLE than in a Friends with Benefits Hookup

I originally wrote this list for my guide (Let Him Chase YOU), but decided it would be best for the blog:

7 Reasons Why It’s Better to be Single than in a FWB Hookup

1. You might not be the only one he’s creeping with. Do you really want to maintain a sex-only relationship with someone who may be promiscuous and having sex with other people?

2. The potential for unwanted pregnancies and STDs is high. Is it worth risking your life or lifestyle for someone who doesn’t have any real ties to you?

3. You leave yourself open to an actual relationship with a guy when you’re single.

4. You don’t have to experience the anxiety of waiting for a text message that may or may not come (which is probably just a booty call request).

5. You can rest peacefully and well throughout the night, every night, without being rudely awakened at 340 am, then having to debate with yourself about whether you should fix yourself up and run across town for a booty call.

6. You don’t have to listen to your FWB dump his problems on your lap, in the same way that he uses you for sexual relief. Especially is his “problem” is another woman he wants to be with.

7. You have more time on your hands to clear your head then pursue your interests, passions and business ideas when you’re single.

 

 


Lynn Gilliard is the author of the relationship guide Let Him Chase YOU (available soon) and the eBook Friends With Benefits SUCKS (At Least for Women). She is an in-demand writer and transformational blogger helping people get in touch with their inner greatness.

Friends with Benefits SUCKS eBook – Part 1

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This is part 1 of my eBook Friends with Benefits SUCKS (At Least for Women), available now at Amazon.com

Friends with Benefits Book - Available at Amazon

Friends with Benefits SUCKS by Lynn Gilliard – Available at Amazon

He called me his “princess.”

He called or texted me several times every day.

He took me out for multiple dates, wining and dining me.

He matched my first name with his last name to see how it would sound.

We talked about how our kids would look and turn out.

But when I wanted to call him my boyfriend he said “I think it’s too soon for that.”

I said “okay.”

I had somehow found myself in a Friends with Benefits relationship.

How did I get there?

Keep reading to learn exactly how, and how you can avoid the same unfortunate fate.

I. Let’s Get Right to It – The Point of this Book

Low Self-Esteem Leads to Lowly, Unfulfilling Relationships

Unfortunately, many women suffer from severe low self-esteem. Low self-esteem starts in childhood and progresses as you get older. I believe this is mostly the result of poor parenting, negative media influences and insufficient education.

Low self-esteem starts with feelings of being unwanted and unloved by a father or mother. It starts with someone teasing you in school for the way that you look naturally. It starts with someone telling you that you’re “just a stupid girl” or you’ll never amount to anything special and no one ever steps in to defend and tell you that simply isn’t true. It starts with seeing women who look absolutely nothing like you on the cover of every magazine and starring in every show on television.

These negative influences are very real and very strong in the lives of people across the planet. These negative influences develop and strengthen the negative self-talk that we struggle with for much of our lives.

In a woman, these negative influences tell us that we’re simply not enough. That we’re not worthy. That we’re ugly. That we’re lucky if someone loves us.

Sometimes a woman’s self-worth is so down in the dumps that she convinces herself and the men that she dates that she is okay with being used for sex in casual relationships, otherwise known as “friends with benefits” or booty calls.

The premise of this brief, to-the-point eBook is that women should not accept the role of a “friend with benefits.” My main point is that women don’t get much out of a friends with benefits relationship while men get a whole lot of what they want: sex minus feelings. In their younger years, a lot of men are absolutely fine with this type of arrangement.

My theory is based on a simple hierarchy of needs and priorities that is different for each gender. Keep reading to find out what the hierarchy is for both men and women.

Men Are from Here, Women Are from There

It’s pretty clear that men and women have different priorities and needs. We’re excited and inspired by different things. That’s why they say that men and women are from completely different planets.

But do we women really recognize, acknowledge and respect these differences?

We’re quick to accuse men of being inconsiderate jerks, but is it possible that we are just misunderstanding them (and them us)? They simply don’t think the same way that we do and that isn’t going to change anytime soon.

I have personally been on both ends of the spectrum while dating men. I have been “pumped and dumped” (tossed to the side soon after a sexual encounter) and I have been the sole object of a man’s love to the point that he eagerly put a beautiful ring on my finger. So I know how it feels to be treated like gold AND how it feels to be treated like gum on the bottom of someone’s shoe.

While analyzing my own past failed relationships, I developed a list of the priorities that men have when it comes to women and vice versa (particularly for heterosexual relationships). Here are the final lists:

A Man’s Hierarchy of Desires/Needs in a Woman

A Looker
A Lover
A Supporter Who Believes in Him
A Friend and Confidant

A Woman’s Hierarchy of Desires/Needs in a Man

A Protector

A Provider

A Looker/Lover

A Friend and Confidant

Of course, there are exceptions, but I think that on a large scale most women and most men would agree with these lists of priorities. As you can see, women and men clearly have very different priorities, right or wrong, when it comes to finding a mate. Of course in some cases these priorities are out of order, but in reality this is what men and women prioritize in many cases.

Chasing Men Just Keeps Them on the Run

I see a lot of relationship experts and guides telling women how they can track down and keep a man. They tell women that they have to do this or that to “snag” a man, trap him in a net and drag him on home.

I think this is bad advice only because it subconsciously teaches women that they have to eagerly give chase, instead of relaxing and allowing a man to chase YOU. Chasing men is sometimes short-term effective, but it is not long-term effective. Yes, you may catch a few but, at least in my experience, most relationships where the woman aggressively pursues the man just don’t last very long.

Men are hunters—pursuing a woman is like playing a video game or going on a hunt. They want to seek and conquer. If you take on that role, then it’s like they’ve already defeated the game or the hunt. What’s the point?

I sincerely believe that the best relationships happen when you let a man chase YOU. Not just in the dating phase, but throughout the relationship.

Some Women Are Afraid to Exert Their Power

There are two main types of women: the type who demands what she wants because she honestly believes that she deserves it and the type who accepts whatever comes her way out of desperation, fear or low self-esteem.

Which one are you? Be honest with yourself. That’s the only way to grow.

Some women are so eager for a relationship that they won’t let a man be a man. While I do have some woman-power ideals, I don’t think that women should take on the role of men in heterosexual relationships. I still believe men were meant to protect and provide for their women and families. If you don’t agree, look at the current state of affairs. Men who do NOT take on the role as protectors and providers are sad, confused, angry people and their families are in a shambles. The women are struggling, sad, depressed and angry.

Too many women do not establish basic standards for themselves when it comes to dating men. They pay for dates and pump their own gas. They allow grown men to live in their houses without paying any bills. They sway to every whim imposed on them because they are afraid of not having a man (any man) in their lives.

Friends with Benefits Book - Available at Amazon

Friends with Benefits SUCKS by Lynn Gilliard – Available at Amazon

Men have a lot of power over women because too many women are way too emotional when it comes to love and relationships. We give too much (sometimes everything) but don’t demand much for ourselves in return (that’s childhood programming at work). The result is a generation of men who don’t feel they have to do much to get and keep a woman—they just sit back and let her do all of the work.

So the two main messages of this eBook are as follows:

1)      You deserve better than being a booty call or a friends with benefits. That type of arrangement might be great for a guy, but it SUCKS for you as a woman.

2)      Let guys chase YOU. You are the prize, so it’s time to start acting like it.

Simply put, if what you’ve been doing up until this point hasn’t been working, obviously something must change.

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again while expecting a different result. That’s insane!


Lynn Gilliard is the author of the relationship guide Let Him Chase YOU (available soon) and the eBook Friends With Benefits SUCKS (At Least for Women). She is an in-demand writer and transformational blogger helping people get in touch with their inner greatness.