Be All That YOU Can Be – Not What You Think a Man Wants You to Be

When I browse social media sites and come across young women in social settings, I often notice that it seems as if they’re trying too hard to be something that they’re obviously not.

A “bad b-word”
A hot girl
A bad girl
A tough girl
A sex symbol

Many of them are trying to emulate their favorite celebrities, but in most cases they’re doing it for one main reason: because they think boys will like it.

They take photos of themselves posing in uncomfortable ways to try to look sexy, wear tons of makeup, poke their lips out to try to look more sexy and use language that would make a sailor cringe.

And some of them do get the attention that they seek from boys and men… but it’s only temporary. As time goes on these girls are left in a tailspin of broken promises, broken “relationships” and broken hearts.

Why? Because they’re not being their authentic themselves — they’re trying to be someone else.

Boys and Men Are Confused Too
It’s not just girls who are confused about their identity — a lot of men and boys are also unsure of who they are and what they really want out of life. They think they want a woman who behaves or looks a certain way, but as soon as they have that, they want something totally different.

That’s why as a young woman you shouldn’t be taking cues from men, or anyone else for that matter, on how to conduct yourself and live your life. You can’t live for other people because you’ll never be able to relax — you’ll be adjusting and changing yourself constantly to fit what they want.

Tough But Important Questions
Do you feel as if the person you’re presenting to the world isn’t the true essence of who you are? Do you feel uncomfortable in your own skin? It takes a big person to admit this.

If the answer is yes, the next question is, so who are you? Start on the path to answering that question so that one day soon you can be all that you can be… on YOUR own terms.

Love Lynn

Lynn Gilliard is a writer and transformational blogger. She is the author of a popular relationship guide entitled Let Him Chase YOU and a self-help guide entitled Survive, Live or Thrive?

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So, What’s In This for Me? (Relationships with Men)

There’s one question that I believe all women of all ages need to ask themselves before they commit their time, heart, energy and body to a particular man:

“What’s in this for me?”

I think that the reason why a lot of women are unfulfilled in their relationships with men is that they don’t truly ask themselves this question before getting involved.

I was once in a glorified friends with benefits “relationship” in my twenties. Here is a short list of what I was doing for him:

– letting him borrow my car whenever he wanted (his was stolen and he used the money to put into his savings while putting wear and tear on my car)
– awesome sex (he was nearly 10 years older than me)
– supporting his dreams (he wanted to be a musician and an entrepreneur instead of pursuing his professional degree, and I supported him in that)
– acting like his unpaid secretary
– running errands for him
– paying my own way when we went out (which rarely happened) to be understanding of his financial situation
– listening to him go on and on about his dreams for hours

Now what was I getting?

– ummmmm, let me think about that some more…
– he was nice to look at, I guess?

Is it any wonder that when I finally did let him go, I barely cared. He wasn’t adding anything to my life.

No — it is not enough just to “have someone.” Ask a long time unhappily married woman or a woman stuck in a physically or mentally abusive relationship if that’s enough.

It’s Not Selfish, It’s Sensible
The kneejerk reaction that some men and eager-to-please women will have to a woman who has the “gaul” to ask the question “what’s in it for me?” is that she’s being selfish or thinking like a “whore.”

Whatever man. As a woman you deserve to get something meaningful out of every aspect of your life — including your relationship with a man. Be real with yourself about what it is that you REALLY want (some women fool themselves into thinking that sex is enough, but soon learn that it’s not).

We have different needs and desires than men do, and that’s okay. Get what you want.

Love Lynn

Lynn Gilliard is a writer and transformational blogger. She is the author of a popular relationship guide entitled Let Him Chase YOU and a self-help guide entitled Survive, Live or Thrive?

If You Really Want to Be Married, You Can Be, But…

I’ve touched on this point in the past, but I wanted to expand on it. I watched a new show last night called Blood Sweat and Tears on Bravo that inspired these thoughts. In it, one of the women met a 40+ year old man who had been living with his girlfriend for 20 years (I think you might call that a common law marriage, right?) When the cast member found out about it, she was hurt, but shortly after that she moved him into her beautiful NYC apartment.

(Somehow I get the feeling that the 20 year girlfriend wasn’t too distraught about him finally moving out.)

I won’t judge the cast member, because that is her choice, but I will use this as an example of my point that any woman who really wants to get married or have a relationship can do so quite easily.

When you’re willing to drop your standards for the sake of a relationship, you’ll find that there are plenty of bums guys who will want a wife to take care of them (and move into her place) because they haven’t been able to take care of themselves in life.

friends with benefits question

Dating and Relationship Questions

But is that really what you want for your own life? Someone else to take care of just so that you can say you were married?

So this is why I say that any woman who really wants to be married can be married. Happily married, not so much.

Always Married, Always Divorced
Have you ever known a woman who always seems to be getting married? She gets out of one bad marriage and six months later she’s engaged again?

9 times out of 10 it’s because she is one of those women who hasn’t set many standards when it comes to men. Getting married and having a man is all that matters to her in life. She will become ANY man’s wife — even if he doesn’t have a job, mistreats her, is abusive or has another woman on the side. And she will chase him.

There are plenty of men out there who would LOVE to marry a good woman with a job, her own place and plenty of food stocked in her fridge. Of course he needs a car to drive around (and gas money) so that he can impress other women and his friends. Basically, he doesn’t have to do anything but exist!

The question is, are YOU as a woman going to be happy in that type of arrangement?

A relationship — especially a marriage — should be reciprocal.

Rocks vs Gems
In my book Let Him Chase YOU, I talk about the difference between “rocks” (men that will hurt you) and “gems” (men that nourish your soul). Let’s just say that there seems to be a high rock-to-gem ratio in some places.

Because of this, women of standards may spend a lot of time single compared to women who have thrown standards out of the window, but you have to ask yourself a few serious questions:

Is having a man in your life at all times more important than maintaining your dignity and self respect as a woman?

Is it worthwhile getting married to a man who you know deep down you’ll probably divorce one day? A man who you’ll have to support throughout your marriage and maybe even after (men get alimony too)?

I don’t think any woman really wants this, but I do understand why some women fall into this trap. I get it — it’s hard navigating this world alone sometimes, but it’s even harder doing it with someone who could make your life more challenging than it needs to be.

Love Lynn

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Lynn Gilliard is a writer, transformational blogger and author of a popular relationship guide entitled Let Him Chase YOU.

Listening to Your Intuition: When It Isn’t Quite Right, You Know

You know how sometimes you get a feeling that what you’re about to do is an exercise in futility? Or just that it is the wrong move? Even when it seems that it is your only option?

There’s a weird, almost queasy feeling that you get in the pit of your stomach and of course that gentle voice is telling you “don’t bother” “don’t do it” or “just wait.”

I had this feeling and experience recently. I wanted to buy a gift of a Nutribullet for someone, and needed it urgently. Against my better judgment I went to Walmart’s online store and tried their “site to store same day pickup” option. They held my $$ but to make a long story short, there was no same day pickup as promised. Nor next day. Same day somehow turned into 15 days, even though they had the thing in stock. Walmart’s customer service was completely unhelpful. No logic was involved. I had to cancel the order and figure something else out.

Flustered and inconvenienced, I decided I would just go into a Walmart near me to buy the thing a second time. I was about to again give my money to the same company that had just jerked me around. Right before hitting the highway, that feeling came over me: it said, “this is not the right way, just wait.” I resisted at first, because I really wanted to give this gift, but then I suddenly just turned my car around and went home.

On my way to the giftee’s house I passed a Target store. I made it across four lanes of traffic to get off the exit (thanks to the kindness of a pickup truck driver), because I knew this would be the solution. And it was — they had the Nutribullet for the same price as Walmart. The clerks were very kind and helpful. Long story short, I was able to give my gift exactly as planned.

Listen to That Voice!
The point of this little story is to express the importance of listening to that feeling and that voice that tells you to stop, chill or relax. This voice speaks to you loudly when you’re in or starting a relationship that’s just not right.

Why waste time and energy, years or even months, with someone who you know deep down isn’t for you? Someone who treats you badly or ignores your needs?

Establishing a SUCCESSFUL relationship should not be a rush to the finish line. It is more of a healthy jog with the one you’re getting to know. When you jog together you have time to figure out if you actually like the person and get cues from your intuition on whether or not to keep going.

I know countless people who rushed into relationships with people who they secretly can’t stand. (Similar to how I was about to rush into yet another transaction with a company that I don’t particularly like.) Who has the time, energy or patience for all of that?

Listen to your intuition–sometimes if you wait, you relax, you stop and review the situation, you’ll find that something better is right around the corner.

Love Lynn


Lynn Gilliard is the author of the relationship guide Let Him Chase YOU (available soon) and the eBook Friends With Benefits SUCKS (At Least for Women). She is an in-demand writer and transformational blogger helping people get in touch with their inner greatness.

Women and Dating: Demand Exactly What You Want from a Relationship

Golden relationship advice: Request exactly what you want and need, and not what you think someone ELSE wants or needs.

Sounds simple enough, right?

bouncyheart

© Danhughes | Dreamstime Stock Photos

But countless women across America and beyond frequently settle for relationships, or rather “arrangements” with men that offer little to none of what they want or need.

They do it mostly because they think that is what the guy will want, or that it is all they are worthy of.

What Exactly Are You Afraid Of?
When you settle for an unfulfilling relationship and don’t demand what you want and need from a guy, what are you afraid of?

That he will not want the same thing? If he doesn’t you’re just not dealing with the right guy. “Toss the rock” over your shoulder and keep yourself open to other options.

We women have a bad tendency to settle on one guy too soon and too easily. You may be surprised at the results when you pull away and keep meeting people instead of settling for someone who can’t give you what you want and need.

Are you living your life in fear of being alone to the point where you would accept any treatment or excuse for a relationship?

Please stop doing that. It only matters if you’re BOTH happy.

You deserve better.

Love Lynn


Lynn Gilliard is the author of the relationship guide Let Him Chase YOU (available soon) and the eBook Friends With Benefits SUCKS (At Least for Women). She is an in-demand writer and transformational blogger helping people get in touch with their inner greatness.