So, What’s In This for Me? (Relationships with Men)

There’s one question that I believe all women of all ages need to ask themselves before they commit their time, heart, energy and body to a particular man:

“What’s in this for me?”

I think that the reason why a lot of women are unfulfilled in their relationships with men is that they don’t truly ask themselves this question before getting involved.

I was once in a glorified friends with benefits “relationship” in my twenties. Here is a short list of what I was doing for him:

– letting him borrow my car whenever he wanted (his was stolen and he used the money to put into his savings while putting wear and tear on my car)
– awesome sex (he was nearly 10 years older than me)
– supporting his dreams (he wanted to be a musician and an entrepreneur instead of pursuing his professional degree, and I supported him in that)
– acting like his unpaid secretary
– running errands for him
– paying my own way when we went out (which rarely happened) to be understanding of his financial situation
– listening to him go on and on about his dreams for hours

Now what was I getting?

– ummmmm, let me think about that some more…
– he was nice to look at, I guess?

Is it any wonder that when I finally did let him go, I barely cared. He wasn’t adding anything to my life.

No — it is not enough just to “have someone.” Ask a long time unhappily married woman or a woman stuck in a physically or mentally abusive relationship if that’s enough.

It’s Not Selfish, It’s Sensible
The kneejerk reaction that some men and eager-to-please women will have to a woman who has the “gaul” to ask the question “what’s in it for me?” is that she’s being selfish or thinking like a “whore.”

Whatever man. As a woman you deserve to get something meaningful out of every aspect of your life — including your relationship with a man. Be real with yourself about what it is that you REALLY want (some women fool themselves into thinking that sex is enough, but soon learn that it’s not).

We have different needs and desires than men do, and that’s okay. Get what you want.

Love Lynn

Lynn Gilliard is a writer and transformational blogger. She is the author of a popular relationship guide entitled Let Him Chase YOU and a self-help guide entitled Survive, Live or Thrive?

Online Dating: Should You Respond Even If You’re Not Interested?

The online dating world presents a number of dilemmas and questions when it comes to proper etiquette. What passes as polite and courteous behavior in the “real world” doesn’t always translate over into the online world. The anonymity created by a computer allows for a different set of rules and social behaviors that, for some, can be confusing. One of the top questions on the mind of online daters is “should you respond to someone even if you’re not interested in them?”

Reasons to Respond

In the normal world it’s certainly not polite to turn your back and simply not respond when someone is talking to you, but it happens all of the time on online dating sites. Some people believe that it’s best to respond to be courteous, even if there’s no interest. In this scenario you could say, “Thanks for contacting me, but I don’t think we’re a fit. Good luck in your search!” is an option. The ideology behind a courteous response is that some people deal better with a getting any response over no response at all. It can be frustrating to continually make contact with others online and not ever get a response.

Reasons Not to Respond

Others would argue that the appropriate thing to do when you’re not interested in someone is to simply not respond. This allows the sender to better rationalize the situation. They can brush off the lack of response by saying “well, maybe they’re just busy” or “maybe they’re already taken.”

Also, the “no thanks” response method may prevent you from having to field any further messages from the person. Sometimes sending a “thank you, but no thank you” will cause the other person to ask “why not?” They feel unfairly judged. It only gets more and more awkward from there. In some unfortunate cases it might even draw a rude follow-up message from the other person, which makes you wonder if it was worthwhile to respond in the first place.

How Compelling Was the Message?

If you still can’t decide which move is best for you, consider how much effort went into the message the other person sent. If the person took the time out to ask you a question about one of the hobbies in your profile or to compliment your eyes, maybe then a polite response would be in order, just to answer the question or say “thank you”—then that’s it. If it’s just a quick “hey, what’s up” then it’s probably not a big deal to just move on. That person is likely sending the same message to plenty of other folks (fishing).

The Golden Rule

When in doubt, use “The Golden Rule” to make your decision: “do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” If you would want a response, then give one. If you wouldn’t mind either way, then don’t fret about the matter.

Responding to those who have reached out to you, whether you’re interested or not, is probably good for your “dating karma” but it can backfire in some cases. The other person’s feelings might be hurt by the open rejection. In other cases the person is laid back and doesn’t take things so seriously—they realize that a response on an online dating website (or lack thereof) has little to nothing to do with their real world. The bottom line is that everyone is different, so just follow your own intuition and always use common sense precautions on online dating sites.

Love Lynn

 

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Friends With Benefits SUCKS (At Least for Women)

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Lynn Gilliard is a writer, transformational blogger and author of a popular relationship guide entitled Let Him Chase YOU and the new book Survive, Live or Thrive?

Online Dating Precautions for Women

Although online dating has become more commonplace in the new millennium, it still comes with its share of risks — especially for young women. If you’ve decided to attempt online dating, it’s wise of you to take a few simple precautions. These precautions are not only for weeding out jerks, but also for protecting your safety when dating online.

Watch for Red Flags

When evaluating online profiles, there are a few things to look out for. If someone rants in his profile, that is a clear indication that he has anger issues. The guy can’t even restrain his anger when writing to someone he’s never even met — leave him to work out his issues on his own. Don’t look to be someone’s savior.

If you look closely, you can spot a controlling person from his profile as well. For example, if he tells you what you must do, how you must act and what you must wear if you were to date him, that is a controlling person. Generally, if the guy has a long list of unrealistic demands in his profile, that’s another red flag to watch for.

Converse on IM First

Don’t be so fast to give out your cellphone number to a guy who you have just met online. There are services that allow cellphone numbers to be reverse traced back to the account holder (sometimes even the billing address) — no bueno. Give out your instant messaging ID at first instead. Sometimes one short conversation on instant messaging is enough to tell you if you want to continue talking to the guy. Be cautious about men who offer their cellphone numbers too quickly; they probably do that a lot, to just about every woman they contact online.

When it’s time to give out your number, you’ll know. As an added layer of protection, you can get a forwarding number to give out instead of your cellphone number when dating online. If things get weird later on, all you have to do is block the guy’s number from your online dashboard and he’ll never know your real “digits.”

Schedule Day Dates

When you do decide to meet a man that you met online, set up a day date at first. Meet him for happy hour or lunch so that you can talk and get to know him. It’s partially for reasons of safety and partially because you won’t be tempted to do something you might regret in the morning. Some men that you’ll meet online will purposely try to set up a late night time for a first date (how about a drink?) because there is a better chance that you’ll have a moment of weakness and go home with them.

Google Search

Some women do full-fledged background checks on the men they date online, but if you find that a little extreme a simple Google Search will do for now. One time I Googled a guy’s internet handle and found him soliciting women online. Another time I searched the name of a guy who gave me his business card and found a) a criminal record of him sleeping with an underage girl and b) being married.  Just search for the guy’s name, email or profile ID to see if it reveals something questionable about him.

It is important to take certain precautions when dating online, but remember that the best advice is to listen to and trust your woman’s intuition.

Love Lynn

 

Click below to share this post on Twitter with an @MENTION, and FOLLOW LYNN to receive a FREE copy of her eBook:

Friends With Benefits SUCKS (At Least for Women)

((~~~Very limited time offer~~~))

Lynn Gilliard is a writer, transformational blogger and author of a popular relationship guide entitled Let Him Chase YOU and the new book Survive, Live or Thrive?

Accepting Submissions: Funny Dating Stories

I’m starting a new category of my site with funny dating stories from women all over the world. Everyone has at least one!

Funny Dating Stories

I told one in my book Survive, Live or Thrive, when a guy I was dating told me I had a little mustache and I never talked to him again! Ass!

If you have an even funnier dating story that you’d like to have published on my blog or a future book, send it in for consideration today – just use the contact box below. Send a link to your blog or website if applicable as well — if published it will go with your post.

Word length requirement: 150-400 words

If your submission is accepted for the site, it will be posted on the site under my Funny Dating Stories page and promoted on my high Klout Twitter site. If it’s so funny that it’s selected for publishing in a future book, you’ll be paid $25 for your contribution.

Thank you for visiting and reading my posts at FriendswithBenefitsSucks.com !

Love Lynn

 

Why Are Some Women & Girls So “Thirsty” for Male Attention?

I once followed an average looking everyday guy on social media and commented on one of his posts with a laugh. Out of nowhere, a young girl appeared and in not so many words told me to “back off her man.”

It turned out that this girl was his “twifey” meaning she had never even met him! She just “claimed” him on social media and now she felt that it was her duty to swoop in to keep him from talking to the countless other girls he chats with on a daily basis.

I’ve also heard stories from women on Twitter who say that whenever a new guy follows them, four or five girls follow soon after. They are all stalking his account and monitoring his communications.

And it’s not just young teens. I’ve seen several cases of grown women fighting over one man on Twitter who neither of them have ever met.

This reminds me of a scene in The 10 Commandments movie where six sisters get all dolled up, dress provocatively and dance in competition for one man (Moses in the story). Ironically, he picked none of them. He lavished their attention but none of them caught his eye — he chose the one who kept to herself and stayed busy with other things.

I just want to know, not to be judgmental, but to spark thought on some solutions: what has caused this eagerness and desperation in so many young girls and women when it comes to men? The young people call it being “thirsty.”

When I was younger, we were a little boy crazy, but we had respect for ourselves and knew better than to chase boys down — especially if they were spreading themselves all around town. So what has happened over the past couple of decades that has made girls lose themselves? Here are a few theories:

1) Lack of loving fathers. Girls who do not have that strong fatherly figure in their lives at a young age don’t really know how to be around boys. They also cling because they’re afraid of them walking out like their fathers did. They may have also seen their mothers constantly compromise themselves for the sake of men.

2) The growth of social media as a negative influence on young girls. A lot of teens and young people spend almost all day chatting on social media websites. Young girls and women are bombarded with negative messages from young boys telling them how to look, how to be and how to act. They also see sexy photos of girls who their “crushes” worship and feel the need to compete (never mind that their boy crushes are ignored by those attention-seeking women).

And maybe it’s that social media has just made this desperate behavior from girls more transparent.

3) Degrading music and television that pretty much tells girls they’re worthless. Media influences period. If all a girl listens to are songs referring to her as a bitch or television shows showing women fighting over men, how will she get the confidence to prioritize her self-worth over a boy that she likes?

There are countless other theories, but really only one solution. We have to teach the young girls we know about self-respect and self-esteem from an early age. They have to know that they matter more than anything or anyone else. We have to show them — not just tell them, which means we have to believe wholeheartedly in our own self-worth. They also need to be taught to diversify their lives and get a hobby outside of chasing boys around. I’m putting the year on this post (2014) because I’m sincerely hoping that in future years this behavior will become a thing of the past!

When a man wants you, he wants you, and he’ll come for YOU. There is no need to be “thirsty” for him. You don’t have to feel insecure or compete with other women for what is TRULY yours.

Love Lynn

Lynn Gilliard is a writer and transformational blogger. She is the author of Friends with Benefits SUCKS, now available at Amazon.com

Ways to Boost Your Self-Esteem After a Break Up

The termination of a relationship — especially one that you thought would last forever — may leave you plagued with low self-esteem and unhappy thoughts. Here are a few ways to boost your self-esteem and ease the transition into single life.

Rid Your Personal Space of All Relationship Reminders

Whether you were in a long or short-term relationship, you probably have gifts, clothes, ticket stubs or other mementos that are a constant reminder of your ex. This also includes pictures, texts, contact numbers, emails and saved tweets on social media. Keeping these items will not help you move forward in life. Keeping these items will give you a continual reminder of the past relationship. For example, you may have a picture of a vacation that you and your boyfriend shared hanging up on your wall that you see every night before you go to sleep. Having that vacation picture around keeps the guy on your mind all night and into the morning. It can hinder you from moving forward and being open to a new and fresh relationship. Remove all of these objects from your personal space so that you can begin the journey of living in the here and now.

Do a Personal Make Over

The end of a relationship is a good time to reinvent yourself. You may have felt that you should look or be a certain way to “keep” that guy around. Now is the time to step “outside of the box” and do something different. For instance, you might want to change your hair color or drastically change your hairstyle. Treat yourself to a shopping trip to change up your wardrobe a bit.

You should also treat yourself to a spa day to help release all of the negative energy that you harbored while in the relationship. When you’re opening yourself to new things in your life (including a new boyfriend at some point), you want to exude positive energy. Negative energy will only bring more negativity in your life.

Change the Conversations You Have With Yourself

Everyone talks to themselves, whether it’s verbally or mentally. When you’re getting over a breakup and need a self-esteem boost, it’s important to take a close look at how you’re talking to yourself every day. If you wake up telling yourself “this is going to be a bad day” it will probably be a bad day just like you thought. On the other hand, if you wake up telling yourself “this will be a glorious day” then a glorious day will most likely be ahead of you. It’s all up to you.

Volunteer

Sometimes when you need help the best solution is to help others. Research organizations that are looking for volunteers to assist people who are in need of help — namely seniors and children. They can light up your life in a number of ways and give you a better perspective on life. Identify your special skills or interests and share them with others. For example, if you are a person that is athletically apt, volunteer at the YMCA. If you are more of the scholar type, you can volunteer as a tutor at a local community. Giving back to your community is an awesome way to stop thinking about your ex, fill up your schedule with activities and also make someone else feel good.

DANCE!

Spend some time putting an exciting and energetic playlist together, then get up and DANCE like no one’s watching. Dancing to your favorite music releases endorphins and dopamine (the feel good chemical). It helps improve your mood, gives you a better outlook and will help you forget about that guy ‘what’s his name.’ Just let loose and put your body in motion. When you’re with a friend, have a dance competition to see who does it best.

Breaking up is almost always challenging at first, but it becomes easier as time goes on until one day you can’t even remember why you liked that guy. Use these simple tips to boost your self-esteem to help speed things along.

 

Love Lynn

Lynn Gilliard is a writer and transformational blogger. She is the author of a popular relationship guide entitled Let Him Chase YOU and a self-help guide entitled Survive, Live or Thrive?

Online Dating: 3 Signs He’s Only Out for Sex

Online dating sites are now one of the top places where people connect. Some guys are just on there looking for a great lady to get to know, but unfortunately there’s another type of guy — the one who is only out for sex. These guys scavenge dating sites sending dozens, maybe even hundreds of messages to women, who they hope will be up for the role of a “cheap thrill” as I explained in my book Let Him Chase You.

Here are three simple signs that a guy you’re chatting with online is only out for sex.

Mentions “Cuddling”
There is a keyword that every woman who uses online dating sites must remember. It is a red flag that the guy is on the hunt for easy sex. That word is “cuddling.” For instance, the guy will list his favorite activities: running, working out, playing pool, watching movies and… cuddling.

Cuddling is a code word for FWB — that’s what he wants (or a one night stand). If that’s not what you want, run in the opposite direction! Don’t waste your time.

Ages 18-80
In most dating profiles men and women are allowed to type in an age range for the person they are seeking. One clear indication that a guy on an online dating site is only out for sex is when his age range is set to women 18-80. This is just a discreet way to say he wants ANYONE with lady parts. He will take a girl just out of high school or a great great grandma — it doesn’t matter because sex is his chief aim. When you are looking for a special connection with someone you’ll generally want to meet someone in your general age range who you can talk to and relate with.

Asks You to Drinks Late at Night
Guys are smart, or at least they all think they are! They know how eager some women are to go out on a date. So a guy who only wants sex from you will usually ask you for a date that will quickly lead to that conclusion. When he asks you to have a drink with him at a late hour, generally after 9pm, he is probably trying to set you up for a one night stand. If you have a few drinks at that late hour, you are less and less likely to want to go home. So he will ask you to his place or a hotel. If a guy on an online dating site doesn’t want to meet with you earlier in the day, for lunch, dinner, or some other special date idea, there’s a good chance that all he wants is sex.

A guy who really wants to get to know you will chat with you for a while to get to know who you are as a person — as long as it takes. He’ll respect you enough not to use sexual innuendos in your early conversations. He’ll want someone who he can connect with on an emotional level–not just physical. He won’t have a problem taking you out for lunch or a nice dinner.

Conclusion: Keep tossing those rocks and make room in your life for a gem.

 

Click below to share this post on Twitter with an @MENTION, and FOLLOW LYNN to receive a FREE copy of her eBook:

Friends With Benefits SUCKS (At Least for Women)

((~~~Very limited time offer~~~))

 

Love Lynn

Lynn Gilliard is a writer, transformational blogger and author of a popular relationship guide entitled Let Him Chase YOU andthe new book Survive, Live or Thrive?