Downsides of a Friends with Benefits Relationship

Maintaining a friends with benefits relationship may sound great in theory, but in practice it can be a lot more complicated!

If you’ve ever been in a relationship that can only be defined as a friends with benefits situation, you know that there are some downsides to this seemingly ideal arrangement.

Defining a Friends with Benefits Relationship

Some people start off on the wrong foot of a friends with benefits relationship because they don’t even realize that they are in one! They may have initially thought that things were going in a positive direction towards something more, but soon learn, sometimes too late, that the relationship isn’t going any further than it already has. Then it becomes more and more difficult to end things cleanly.

Let’s clarify the definition of a friends with benefits relationship: it is one where the two people have an understanding that they are absolutely not in a committed relationship. The sole purpose of the relationship is physical pleasure and occasional companionship.

As simple as that sounds, most FWB relationships don’t turn out well.

Feelings Get Involved on One Side

It is very rare that two people can date for a long, extended period of time without one side catching feelings for the other, especially since physical closeness is a part of a FWB relationship. This is the reason why friends with benefits relationships usually don’t last past a few months.

Once one person starts to show too much emotion, the other start trying to move on. Most of the time it is the female in a male-female FWB relationship that tends to become emotionally involved because of a chemical called oxytocin, but there are some cases where the female has the upper hand and will end a FWB relationship because she’s “just not that into him.”

Breaking it Off When You Find Someone New

When you have gotten yourself caught up in a friends with benefits situation, you have tied yourself to that person in a very serious way by sleeping together so often. So when you meet someone new who you actually might want to get serious with, it becomes difficult to break it off with the other friend. It’s especially hard when the other person seems to have developed some feelings for you.

This can create an awkward situation for everyone involved (including the new person) — there are almost certainly going to be some feelings that get hurt. That’s why if you’re looking for a serious relationship in the near future, it’s probably best to stay celibate instead of taking on a “buddy” as a fill in. Be patient and wait for that someone who you could actually see yourself mutually bonding with on more than just a physical level.

Guest Post by Jade

 

Learn more about FWB relationships and how to avoid them in the eBook Friends with Benefits SUCKS (At Least for Women).

 

Online Dating: 3 Signs He’s Only Out for Sex

Online dating sites are now one of the top places where people connect. Some guys are just on there looking for a great lady to get to know, but unfortunately there’s another type of guy — the one who is only out for sex. These guys scavenge dating sites sending dozens, maybe even hundreds of messages to women, who they hope will be up for the role of a “cheap thrill” as I explained in my book Let Him Chase You.

Here are three simple signs that a guy you’re chatting with online is only out for sex.

Mentions “Cuddling”
There is a keyword that every woman who uses online dating sites must remember. It is a red flag that the guy is on the hunt for easy sex. That word is “cuddling.” For instance, the guy will list his favorite activities: running, working out, playing pool, watching movies and… cuddling.

Cuddling is a code word for FWB — that’s what he wants (or a one night stand). If that’s not what you want, run in the opposite direction! Don’t waste your time.

Ages 18-80
In most dating profiles men and women are allowed to type in an age range for the person they are seeking. One clear indication that a guy on an online dating site is only out for sex is when his age range is set to women 18-80. This is just a discreet way to say he wants ANYONE with lady parts. He will take a girl just out of high school or a great great grandma — it doesn’t matter because sex is his chief aim. When you are looking for a special connection with someone you’ll generally want to meet someone in your general age range who you can talk to and relate with.

Asks You to Drinks Late at Night
Guys are smart, or at least they all think they are! They know how eager some women are to go out on a date. So a guy who only wants sex from you will usually ask you for a date that will quickly lead to that conclusion. When he asks you to have a drink with him at a late hour, generally after 9pm, he is probably trying to set you up for a one night stand. If you have a few drinks at that late hour, you are less and less likely to want to go home. So he will ask you to his place or a hotel. If a guy on an online dating site doesn’t want to meet with you earlier in the day, for lunch, dinner, or some other special date idea, there’s a good chance that all he wants is sex.

A guy who really wants to get to know you will chat with you for a while to get to know who you are as a person — as long as it takes. He’ll respect you enough not to use sexual innuendos in your early conversations. He’ll want someone who he can connect with on an emotional level–not just physical. He won’t have a problem taking you out for lunch or a nice dinner.

Conclusion: Keep tossing those rocks and make room in your life for a gem.

 

Click below to share this post on Twitter with an @MENTION, and FOLLOW LYNN to receive a FREE copy of her eBook:

Friends With Benefits SUCKS (At Least for Women)

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Love Lynn

Lynn Gilliard is a writer, transformational blogger and author of a popular relationship guide entitled Let Him Chase YOU andthe new book Survive, Live or Thrive?

7 Reasons Why It’s Better to be SINGLE than in a Friends with Benefits Hookup

I originally wrote this list for my guide (Let Him Chase YOU), but decided it would be best for the blog:

7 Reasons Why It’s Better to be Single than in a FWB Hookup

1. You might not be the only one he’s creeping with. Do you really want to maintain a sex-only relationship with someone who may be promiscuous and having sex with other people?

2. The potential for unwanted pregnancies and STDs is high. Is it worth risking your life or lifestyle for someone who doesn’t have any real ties to you?

3. You leave yourself open to an actual relationship with a guy when you’re single.

4. You don’t have to experience the anxiety of waiting for a text message that may or may not come (which is probably just a booty call request).

5. You can rest peacefully and well throughout the night, every night, without being rudely awakened at 340 am, then having to debate with yourself about whether you should fix yourself up and run across town for a booty call.

6. You don’t have to listen to your FWB dump his problems on your lap, in the same way that he uses you for sexual relief. Especially is his “problem” is another woman he wants to be with.

7. You have more time on your hands to clear your head then pursue your interests, passions and business ideas when you’re single.

 

 


Lynn Gilliard is the author of the relationship guide Let Him Chase YOU (available soon) and the eBook Friends With Benefits SUCKS (At Least for Women). She is an in-demand writer and transformational blogger helping people get in touch with their inner greatness.

Friends with Benefits SUCKS eBook – Part 1

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This is part 1 of my eBook Friends with Benefits SUCKS (At Least for Women), available now at Amazon.com

Friends with Benefits Book - Available at Amazon

Friends with Benefits SUCKS by Lynn Gilliard – Available at Amazon

He called me his “princess.”

He called or texted me several times every day.

He took me out for multiple dates, wining and dining me.

He matched my first name with his last name to see how it would sound.

We talked about how our kids would look and turn out.

But when I wanted to call him my boyfriend he said “I think it’s too soon for that.”

I said “okay.”

I had somehow found myself in a Friends with Benefits relationship.

How did I get there?

Keep reading to learn exactly how, and how you can avoid the same unfortunate fate.

I. Let’s Get Right to It – The Point of this Book

Low Self-Esteem Leads to Lowly, Unfulfilling Relationships

Unfortunately, many women suffer from severe low self-esteem. Low self-esteem starts in childhood and progresses as you get older. I believe this is mostly the result of poor parenting, negative media influences and insufficient education.

Low self-esteem starts with feelings of being unwanted and unloved by a father or mother. It starts with someone teasing you in school for the way that you look naturally. It starts with someone telling you that you’re “just a stupid girl” or you’ll never amount to anything special and no one ever steps in to defend and tell you that simply isn’t true. It starts with seeing women who look absolutely nothing like you on the cover of every magazine and starring in every show on television.

These negative influences are very real and very strong in the lives of people across the planet. These negative influences develop and strengthen the negative self-talk that we struggle with for much of our lives.

In a woman, these negative influences tell us that we’re simply not enough. That we’re not worthy. That we’re ugly. That we’re lucky if someone loves us.

Sometimes a woman’s self-worth is so down in the dumps that she convinces herself and the men that she dates that she is okay with being used for sex in casual relationships, otherwise known as “friends with benefits” or booty calls.

The premise of this brief, to-the-point eBook is that women should not accept the role of a “friend with benefits.” My main point is that women don’t get much out of a friends with benefits relationship while men get a whole lot of what they want: sex minus feelings. In their younger years, a lot of men are absolutely fine with this type of arrangement.

My theory is based on a simple hierarchy of needs and priorities that is different for each gender. Keep reading to find out what the hierarchy is for both men and women.

Men Are from Here, Women Are from There

It’s pretty clear that men and women have different priorities and needs. We’re excited and inspired by different things. That’s why they say that men and women are from completely different planets.

But do we women really recognize, acknowledge and respect these differences?

We’re quick to accuse men of being inconsiderate jerks, but is it possible that we are just misunderstanding them (and them us)? They simply don’t think the same way that we do and that isn’t going to change anytime soon.

I have personally been on both ends of the spectrum while dating men. I have been “pumped and dumped” (tossed to the side soon after a sexual encounter) and I have been the sole object of a man’s love to the point that he eagerly put a beautiful ring on my finger. So I know how it feels to be treated like gold AND how it feels to be treated like gum on the bottom of someone’s shoe.

While analyzing my own past failed relationships, I developed a list of the priorities that men have when it comes to women and vice versa (particularly for heterosexual relationships). Here are the final lists:

A Man’s Hierarchy of Desires/Needs in a Woman

A Looker
A Lover
A Supporter Who Believes in Him
A Friend and Confidant

A Woman’s Hierarchy of Desires/Needs in a Man

A Protector

A Provider

A Looker/Lover

A Friend and Confidant

Of course, there are exceptions, but I think that on a large scale most women and most men would agree with these lists of priorities. As you can see, women and men clearly have very different priorities, right or wrong, when it comes to finding a mate. Of course in some cases these priorities are out of order, but in reality this is what men and women prioritize in many cases.

Chasing Men Just Keeps Them on the Run

I see a lot of relationship experts and guides telling women how they can track down and keep a man. They tell women that they have to do this or that to “snag” a man, trap him in a net and drag him on home.

I think this is bad advice only because it subconsciously teaches women that they have to eagerly give chase, instead of relaxing and allowing a man to chase YOU. Chasing men is sometimes short-term effective, but it is not long-term effective. Yes, you may catch a few but, at least in my experience, most relationships where the woman aggressively pursues the man just don’t last very long.

Men are hunters—pursuing a woman is like playing a video game or going on a hunt. They want to seek and conquer. If you take on that role, then it’s like they’ve already defeated the game or the hunt. What’s the point?

I sincerely believe that the best relationships happen when you let a man chase YOU. Not just in the dating phase, but throughout the relationship.

Some Women Are Afraid to Exert Their Power

There are two main types of women: the type who demands what she wants because she honestly believes that she deserves it and the type who accepts whatever comes her way out of desperation, fear or low self-esteem.

Which one are you? Be honest with yourself. That’s the only way to grow.

Some women are so eager for a relationship that they won’t let a man be a man. While I do have some woman-power ideals, I don’t think that women should take on the role of men in heterosexual relationships. I still believe men were meant to protect and provide for their women and families. If you don’t agree, look at the current state of affairs. Men who do NOT take on the role as protectors and providers are sad, confused, angry people and their families are in a shambles. The women are struggling, sad, depressed and angry.

Too many women do not establish basic standards for themselves when it comes to dating men. They pay for dates and pump their own gas. They allow grown men to live in their houses without paying any bills. They sway to every whim imposed on them because they are afraid of not having a man (any man) in their lives.

Friends with Benefits Book - Available at Amazon

Friends with Benefits SUCKS by Lynn Gilliard – Available at Amazon

Men have a lot of power over women because too many women are way too emotional when it comes to love and relationships. We give too much (sometimes everything) but don’t demand much for ourselves in return (that’s childhood programming at work). The result is a generation of men who don’t feel they have to do much to get and keep a woman—they just sit back and let her do all of the work.

So the two main messages of this eBook are as follows:

1)      You deserve better than being a booty call or a friends with benefits. That type of arrangement might be great for a guy, but it SUCKS for you as a woman.

2)      Let guys chase YOU. You are the prize, so it’s time to start acting like it.

Simply put, if what you’ve been doing up until this point hasn’t been working, obviously something must change.

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again while expecting a different result. That’s insane!


Lynn Gilliard is the author of the relationship guide Let Him Chase YOU (available soon) and the eBook Friends With Benefits SUCKS (At Least for Women). She is an in-demand writer and transformational blogger helping people get in touch with their inner greatness.

How Long to Wait Before Sex? (Questions from Women on Dating)

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One of the top searched dating questions that women have about men is “how long to wait before sex?”

I don’t believe in putting an exact timeline on the answer, because the truth is that it varies from couple to couple.

friends with benefits question

Dating and Relationship Questions

My answer is simple: the right time to have sex with someone who you are dating is when you two have developed a bond, and not a moment sooner.

Sex Doesn’t Create a Committed Relationship
Women often make the mistake of associating the act of sex with an emotional bond. They mistakenly believe that the moment they have sex it means that a relationship has now formed.

Not so.

A serious relationship forms when you have developed a bond with the other person. The bond could have developed because you have made it through a tough situation together. It could form through long meaningful talks about life and your dreams every night. It could form through exploring mutual interests and spending loads of time together.

In some cases the bond is marriage–there is nothing wrong with waiting until a man commits to marry you before having sex if that is what you are most comfortable with.

Sex is an act that is best reserved for two people who have formed a bond with each other.

Sex with an Acquaintance = FWB or Booty Calls
Going out on a couple of dates where you laugh at each others’ jokes a few times is not a bond. You’re still just getting to know each other. You’re just acquaintances at that point.

Sure, you can go ahead and have sex at that time, but don’t expect a relationship to somehow develop where there really is none. That’s when you find yourself in a friends with benefits relationship or being treated like a booty call at the guy’s whim.

So this is the best answer to how long to wait before sex. Take a look at your last few cases of getting “pumped and dumped” or thrown into the friends with benefits zone. Was the guy someone you formed a REAL bond with, or just an acquaintance?

Therein lies your answer.

Love Lynn


Lynn Gilliard is the author of the relationship guide Let Him Chase YOU (available soon) and the eBook Friends With Benefits SUCKS (At Least for Women). She is an in-demand writer and transformational blogger helping people get in touch with their inner greatness.

Understanding Men: How Can He Just Forget Me So Easily?

The top two questions on the minds of women when understanding men is “how can he just stop calling all of a sudden” and “how can he just forget me so easily after getting to know me?”

phoneThe answer to that question is simple: guys don’t usually develop the same type of emotional attachment that women do early on in a relationship.

So he could be dating you for a couple of weeks or a couple of months and suddenly decide that he’s just not into it anymore. Meanwhile, you have developed some feelings and think it’s really going somewhere.

This happens most commonly after sex, which is why I advise women to wait until you have a deeper connection with a man, besides what’s on the surface, before you get intimate with him. Some guys will seem very interested in you in the beginning because they are involved in “the chase”– it’s exciting, like a video game!

But as soon as he’s won the game (sex) he’s going to enjoy a satisfied yawn, drop the control and go on about his business.

That is, unless he’s really had a chance to get to know you AS A PERSON, NOT A CONQUEST, in the process and genuinely enjoys your company as a woman AND friend.

This doesn’t mean that there is something that’s wrong with you (such as your looks or attractiveness) but it IS about the choices that you make while dating a guy you like. Giving too much of yourself too soon will bore the heck out of anyone.

The Solution
Understanding men is sometimes complicated, but the solution here is simple. Take your time, get to know the guy, what’s the rush? Continue to date other guys if you want, and don’t give up the goodies until you have developed a bond with him that actually exists–not just in your mind.

Love Lynn

Click below to share this post on Twitter with an @MENTION, and FOLLOW LYNN to receive a FREE copy of her eBook:

Friends With Benefits SUCKS (At Least for Women)

((~~~Very limited time offer~~~))


Lynn Gilliard is the author of the relationship guide Let Him Chase YOU (available now) and the eBook Friends With Benefits SUCKS (At Least for Women). She is an in-demand writer and transformational blogger helping people get in touch with their inner greatness.

Women and Sex: Why Do We Become Insecure After Giving It Up?

Ladies: there’s something important you need to know about women and sex.

Women and Sex

Flickr: This is a sad song Author: Beercha

You had it all together the entire time you were dating. You were witty, confident and interesting.

He was really digging you too.

But then that day came when you gave into your physical desires and had sex with him.

After that, things seemed to change.

You started to feel like the pursuer. You started to wonder if he really liked you. You started to wonder if he’d call or text you.

You started to feel insecure. You lost your confidence in yourself. You got a little more clingy. And eventually the whole thing fizzled out.

Why does this happen to women after sex?

There’s actually a biological explanation: a hormone called oxytocin. It’s a hormone that helps people form a bond after having sex. It’s designed to make us want long term relationships with each other. Both men and women have it.

Women with high levels of oxytocin become more emotional about a guy after sex with him, but unfortunately that doesn’t always happen to the guy–especially if he has lower levels of oxytocin and high levels of testosterone.

To summarize…

The oxytocin that is released after sex weakens your defenses and makes you feel more attached to the guy you’re dating, even if he’s not all that.

This is why having a Friends With Benefits (FWB) relationship usually isn’t the best idea for a woman. You are developing feelings at each encounter while he is staying right where he was when you first met.

Women and sex and oxytocin. It’s a formula for disaster if you don’t really know the guy and most of all if you don’t understand yourself.  If you change your mind you can change your love life for the better.

Love Lynn


Lynn Gilliard is the author of the relationship guide Let Him Chase YOU (available soon) and the eBook Friends With Benefits SUCKS (At Least for Women). She is an in-demand writer and transformational blogger helping people get in touch with their inner greatness.