Why Do I Keep Dating the Same Guy Over and Over Again?

A lot of women who find themselves in unsuccessful relationships want to know: “why do I keep dating the same guy over and over again?”

The easy answer is that you’re attracting the same guy with your energy, actions, beliefs and words. But I think it goes even deeper than this. Here’s one theory that many psychologists and relationship experts believe is the reason behind why women who have a hard time finding love keep choosing the same types of men over and over.

I believe this theory because I have personally experienced it.

The Dad Effect
It’s a proven fact (maybe not scientific but definitely experiential) that women often date men who are a lot like their fathers. This can be a good or a bad thing based on what a woman’s father was like.

Women who have dads who have serious problems (like alcoholism, drugs and abuse) or are absent often actively attract men who mimic those traits. They attract troubled and unavailable men.

The Cycle Begins
Then what happens is that the woman subconsciously tries to resolve her issues with her father (the first man in her life) with the men that she dates. She tries to “fix” him, mold him, make him love her or make him stay forever. She supports him and loves him in every way — even when it isn’t reciprocated.

When this woman is unsuccessful making a man love her and stay, which is almost always the case, she relives the devastation of losing or feeling unloved by her father and then repeats the process with another guy. The same type of guy as before. It happens over and over again.

It’s like a vicious cycle, but like any cycle, it can be broken. The first key to breaking this common pattern is to recognize that it’s a problem.

Tough Questions
Do you seem to attract the same type of guy over and over again? Guys that hurt you and leave you feeling empty or unfulfilled?

Do you think that it’s because you’re still trying to make a past relationship right?

If so, knowing this, what can you do to stop this pattern from repeating again? Here are a few tips:

Talk to someone.
Forgive.
Release the past so that you can move forward & date better.
Learn true love for self before you try to give your love to another.

Love Lynn

Lynn Gilliard is a writer and transformational blogger. She is the author of a popular relationship guide entitled Let Him Chase YOU and a self-help guide entitled Survive, Live or Thrive?

Be All That YOU Can Be – Not What You Think a Man Wants You to Be

When I browse social media sites and come across young women in social settings, I often notice that it seems as if they’re trying too hard to be something that they’re obviously not.

A “bad b-word”
A hot girl
A bad girl
A tough girl
A sex symbol

Many of them are trying to emulate their favorite celebrities, but in most cases they’re doing it for one main reason: because they think boys will like it.

They take photos of themselves posing in uncomfortable ways to try to look sexy, wear tons of makeup, poke their lips out to try to look more sexy and use language that would make a sailor cringe.

And some of them do get the attention that they seek from boys and men… but it’s only temporary. As time goes on these girls are left in a tailspin of broken promises, broken “relationships” and broken hearts.

Why? Because they’re not being their authentic themselves — they’re trying to be someone else.

Boys and Men Are Confused Too
It’s not just girls who are confused about their identity — a lot of men and boys are also unsure of who they are and what they really want out of life. They think they want a woman who behaves or looks a certain way, but as soon as they have that, they want something totally different.

That’s why as a young woman you shouldn’t be taking cues from men, or anyone else for that matter, on how to conduct yourself and live your life. You can’t live for other people because you’ll never be able to relax — you’ll be adjusting and changing yourself constantly to fit what they want.

Tough But Important Questions
Do you feel as if the person you’re presenting to the world isn’t the true essence of who you are? Do you feel uncomfortable in your own skin? It takes a big person to admit this.

If the answer is yes, the next question is, so who are you? Start on the path to answering that question so that one day soon you can be all that you can be… on YOUR own terms.

Love Lynn

Lynn Gilliard is a writer and transformational blogger. She is the author of a popular relationship guide entitled Let Him Chase YOU and a self-help guide entitled Survive, Live or Thrive?

So, What’s In This for Me? (Relationships with Men)

There’s one question that I believe all women of all ages need to ask themselves before they commit their time, heart, energy and body to a particular man:

“What’s in this for me?”

I think that the reason why a lot of women are unfulfilled in their relationships with men is that they don’t truly ask themselves this question before getting involved.

I was once in a glorified friends with benefits “relationship” in my twenties. Here is a short list of what I was doing for him:

– letting him borrow my car whenever he wanted (his was stolen and he used the money to put into his savings while putting wear and tear on my car)
– awesome sex (he was nearly 10 years older than me)
– supporting his dreams (he wanted to be a musician and an entrepreneur instead of pursuing his professional degree, and I supported him in that)
– acting like his unpaid secretary
– running errands for him
– paying my own way when we went out (which rarely happened) to be understanding of his financial situation
– listening to him go on and on about his dreams for hours

Now what was I getting?

– ummmmm, let me think about that some more…
– he was nice to look at, I guess?

Is it any wonder that when I finally did let him go, I barely cared. He wasn’t adding anything to my life.

No — it is not enough just to “have someone.” Ask a long time unhappily married woman or a woman stuck in a physically or mentally abusive relationship if that’s enough.

It’s Not Selfish, It’s Sensible
The kneejerk reaction that some men and eager-to-please women will have to a woman who has the “gaul” to ask the question “what’s in it for me?” is that she’s being selfish or thinking like a “whore.”

Whatever man. As a woman you deserve to get something meaningful out of every aspect of your life — including your relationship with a man. Be real with yourself about what it is that you REALLY want (some women fool themselves into thinking that sex is enough, but soon learn that it’s not).

We have different needs and desires than men do, and that’s okay. Get what you want.

Love Lynn

Lynn Gilliard is a writer and transformational blogger. She is the author of a popular relationship guide entitled Let Him Chase YOU and a self-help guide entitled Survive, Live or Thrive?

Why Are Some Women & Girls So “Thirsty” for Male Attention?

I once followed an average looking everyday guy on social media and commented on one of his posts with a laugh. Out of nowhere, a young girl appeared and in not so many words told me to “back off her man.”

It turned out that this girl was his “twifey” meaning she had never even met him! She just “claimed” him on social media and now she felt that it was her duty to swoop in to keep him from talking to the countless other girls he chats with on a daily basis.

I’ve also heard stories from women on Twitter who say that whenever a new guy follows them, four or five girls follow soon after. They are all stalking his account and monitoring his communications.

And it’s not just young teens. I’ve seen several cases of grown women fighting over one man on Twitter who neither of them have ever met.

This reminds me of a scene in The 10 Commandments movie where six sisters get all dolled up, dress provocatively and dance in competition for one man (Moses in the story). Ironically, he picked none of them. He lavished their attention but none of them caught his eye — he chose the one who kept to herself and stayed busy with other things.

I just want to know, not to be judgmental, but to spark thought on some solutions: what has caused this eagerness and desperation in so many young girls and women when it comes to men? The young people call it being “thirsty.”

When I was younger, we were a little boy crazy, but we had respect for ourselves and knew better than to chase boys down — especially if they were spreading themselves all around town. So what has happened over the past couple of decades that has made girls lose themselves? Here are a few theories:

1) Lack of loving fathers. Girls who do not have that strong fatherly figure in their lives at a young age don’t really know how to be around boys. They also cling because they’re afraid of them walking out like their fathers did. They may have also seen their mothers constantly compromise themselves for the sake of men.

2) The growth of social media as a negative influence on young girls. A lot of teens and young people spend almost all day chatting on social media websites. Young girls and women are bombarded with negative messages from young boys telling them how to look, how to be and how to act. They also see sexy photos of girls who their “crushes” worship and feel the need to compete (never mind that their boy crushes are ignored by those attention-seeking women).

And maybe it’s that social media has just made this desperate behavior from girls more transparent.

3) Degrading music and television that pretty much tells girls they’re worthless. Media influences period. If all a girl listens to are songs referring to her as a bitch or television shows showing women fighting over men, how will she get the confidence to prioritize her self-worth over a boy that she likes?

There are countless other theories, but really only one solution. We have to teach the young girls we know about self-respect and self-esteem from an early age. They have to know that they matter more than anything or anyone else. We have to show them — not just tell them, which means we have to believe wholeheartedly in our own self-worth. They also need to be taught to diversify their lives and get a hobby outside of chasing boys around. I’m putting the year on this post (2014) because I’m sincerely hoping that in future years this behavior will become a thing of the past!

When a man wants you, he wants you, and he’ll come for YOU. There is no need to be “thirsty” for him. You don’t have to feel insecure or compete with other women for what is TRULY yours.

Love Lynn

Lynn Gilliard is a writer and transformational blogger. She is the author of Friends with Benefits SUCKS, now available at Amazon.com

Ways to Boost Your Self-Esteem After a Break Up

The termination of a relationship — especially one that you thought would last forever — may leave you plagued with low self-esteem and unhappy thoughts. Here are a few ways to boost your self-esteem and ease the transition into single life.

Rid Your Personal Space of All Relationship Reminders

Whether you were in a long or short-term relationship, you probably have gifts, clothes, ticket stubs or other mementos that are a constant reminder of your ex. This also includes pictures, texts, contact numbers, emails and saved tweets on social media. Keeping these items will not help you move forward in life. Keeping these items will give you a continual reminder of the past relationship. For example, you may have a picture of a vacation that you and your boyfriend shared hanging up on your wall that you see every night before you go to sleep. Having that vacation picture around keeps the guy on your mind all night and into the morning. It can hinder you from moving forward and being open to a new and fresh relationship. Remove all of these objects from your personal space so that you can begin the journey of living in the here and now.

Do a Personal Make Over

The end of a relationship is a good time to reinvent yourself. You may have felt that you should look or be a certain way to “keep” that guy around. Now is the time to step “outside of the box” and do something different. For instance, you might want to change your hair color or drastically change your hairstyle. Treat yourself to a shopping trip to change up your wardrobe a bit.

You should also treat yourself to a spa day to help release all of the negative energy that you harbored while in the relationship. When you’re opening yourself to new things in your life (including a new boyfriend at some point), you want to exude positive energy. Negative energy will only bring more negativity in your life.

Change the Conversations You Have With Yourself

Everyone talks to themselves, whether it’s verbally or mentally. When you’re getting over a breakup and need a self-esteem boost, it’s important to take a close look at how you’re talking to yourself every day. If you wake up telling yourself “this is going to be a bad day” it will probably be a bad day just like you thought. On the other hand, if you wake up telling yourself “this will be a glorious day” then a glorious day will most likely be ahead of you. It’s all up to you.

Volunteer

Sometimes when you need help the best solution is to help others. Research organizations that are looking for volunteers to assist people who are in need of help — namely seniors and children. They can light up your life in a number of ways and give you a better perspective on life. Identify your special skills or interests and share them with others. For example, if you are a person that is athletically apt, volunteer at the YMCA. If you are more of the scholar type, you can volunteer as a tutor at a local community. Giving back to your community is an awesome way to stop thinking about your ex, fill up your schedule with activities and also make someone else feel good.

DANCE!

Spend some time putting an exciting and energetic playlist together, then get up and DANCE like no one’s watching. Dancing to your favorite music releases endorphins and dopamine (the feel good chemical). It helps improve your mood, gives you a better outlook and will help you forget about that guy ‘what’s his name.’ Just let loose and put your body in motion. When you’re with a friend, have a dance competition to see who does it best.

Breaking up is almost always challenging at first, but it becomes easier as time goes on until one day you can’t even remember why you liked that guy. Use these simple tips to boost your self-esteem to help speed things along.

 

Love Lynn

Lynn Gilliard is a writer and transformational blogger. She is the author of a popular relationship guide entitled Let Him Chase YOU and a self-help guide entitled Survive, Live or Thrive?

New Book: Survive Live or Thrive? by L. Lynn Gilliard

New Book:

Survive, Live or Thrive?

by L. Lynn Gilliard

Simple Life Tips for Those Who Feel Stuck in a Rut

Simple Life Tips for Those Who Feel Stuck in a Rut

This is a guide for those who feel that they may be stuck in a rut in one or more areas of their life, including:

    – pursuing your dreams
– making good money
– dating and love relationships
– family relationships
– self-love

Though the book is specifically targeted for women who are experiencing challenges in their lives, the concepts apply to everyone. Fueled by the idea that life is meant to be easy and enjoyable, it is loaded with stories, blog posts from Lynn’s websites and other inspirations and thoughts to help propel you to the ultimate goal: THRIVING in every area of your life.

Amazon Paperback Now Available

Audio version – Coming soon

The Fear of Ending Up Alone Leads to Bad Choices in Men

When you let the fear of being alone control your dating choices, you tend to rush into situations with guys who you know aren’t right for you.

Fear of being alone makes you move an unemployed grown adult man who has a questionable history and multiple children he doesn’t support into your house.

Fear of being alone makes you call a guy who slept with you and then didn’t call you for weeks to ask for some more mistreatment.

Some women are so afraid of ending up alone with loads of cats as friends that they compromise their self- respect, dignity and common sense just to be with someone.

You know what’s ironic? This type of woman still usually ends up alone in the end after a divorce, being abused, being dumped or experiencing another setback.

Here is the question that all of us ladies must ask ourselves at some point in our lives.

Would I rather be patiently single and have my dignity intact as I grow into my full womanhood, allowing the right people to enter my life

or

Be in a series of unhappy situations with men throughout life that leave me feeling used up and unfulfilled? Oh yea, and possibly still alone or even *worse* stuck with someone who makes me absolutely miserable?

All because of fear…

When we operate in fear we make really bad choices in men and in life.

So what are the steps to overcome this often debilitating fear that some of us women have about being alone?

1) recognize that you are living in fear
2) spell out the worst case scenario that you’re fearing (like being a cat lady)
3) realize that even if that were to happen, it’s not the end of the world!
4) release the fear and start LIVING your life free and bold with a clear head!

Love Lynn

Lynn Gilliard is a writer, transformational blogger and author of a popular relationship guide entitled Let Him Chase YOU.