Downsides of a Friends with Benefits Relationship

Maintaining a friends with benefits relationship may sound great in theory, but in practice it can be a lot more complicated!

If you’ve ever been in a relationship that can only be defined as a friends with benefits situation, you know that there are some downsides to this seemingly ideal arrangement.

Defining a Friends with Benefits Relationship

Some people start off on the wrong foot of a friends with benefits relationship because they don’t even realize that they are in one! They may have initially thought that things were going in a positive direction towards something more, but soon learn, sometimes too late, that the relationship isn’t going any further than it already has. Then it becomes more and more difficult to end things cleanly.

Let’s clarify the definition of a friends with benefits relationship: it is one where the two people have an understanding that they are absolutely not in a committed relationship. The sole purpose of the relationship is physical pleasure and occasional companionship.

As simple as that sounds, most FWB relationships don’t turn out well.

Feelings Get Involved on One Side

It is very rare that two people can date for a long, extended period of time without one side catching feelings for the other, especially since physical closeness is a part of a FWB relationship. This is the reason why friends with benefits relationships usually don’t last past a few months.

Once one person starts to show too much emotion, the other start trying to move on. Most of the time it is the female in a male-female FWB relationship that tends to become emotionally involved because of a chemical called oxytocin, but there are some cases where the female has the upper hand and will end a FWB relationship because she’s “just not that into him.”

Breaking it Off When You Find Someone New

When you have gotten yourself caught up in a friends with benefits situation, you have tied yourself to that person in a very serious way by sleeping together so often. So when you meet someone new who you actually might want to get serious with, it becomes difficult to break it off with the other friend. It’s especially hard when the other person seems to have developed some feelings for you.

This can create an awkward situation for everyone involved (including the new person) — there are almost certainly going to be some feelings that get hurt. That’s why if you’re looking for a serious relationship in the near future, it’s probably best to stay celibate instead of taking on a “buddy” as a fill in. Be patient and wait for that someone who you could actually see yourself mutually bonding with on more than just a physical level.

Guest Post by Jade

 

Learn more about FWB relationships and how to avoid them in the eBook Friends with Benefits SUCKS (At Least for Women).

 

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Signs that You Are in a Friends with Benefits (FWB) Relationship

Tips to determine if you’re in a friends with benefits situation.

Friends with benefits relationships can be complicated. Sometimes women find themselves in these arrangements but aren’t 100% sure of the guy’s intentions. Here are a few ways that you will know you are undoubtedly in a FWB situation, which is a temporary fling where the guy’s intentions are to simply have sex whenever he wants with “no strings.”

He’s Never Taken You Out to Eat

In most cases, a guy will only spend money on a woman for one of two reasons 1) he thinks it will increase his chances of getting her into bed later or 2) he wants to impress the girl and treat her like a lady so that she will take him seriously. If you have never seen a meal, period, yet you have been to the guy’s house for a movie, then 90% of the time you have placed yourself squarely in a friends with benefits situation.

Don’t believe what anyone else tells you — a man who never spends money on you and never takes you out in public is not interested in you for a serious relationship. Most men genuinely enjoy spending money on a woman that they really like. They want to show her a good time and put a smile on her face.

If he isn’t actively doing this with you, yet you guys have sex on a regular basis, it’s safe to assume that you are in a friends with benefits relationship.

You Only Hear from Him Via Text

Text messaging has effectively replaced those 30 second phone calls that you used to have with a guy who only wanted to tell you he was on his way. But a guy who is really serious about you will want to hear your voice from time to time on the phone.

A guy who only sends you a text message or two in between meetings is most likely using you as second option, or a backup option when his first choice doesn’t come through. So if you can’t remember the last time your guy called you, and you never had a discussion about being exclusive with each other, it’s probably safe to assume that you are in a friends with benefits situation.

You Only See Your Guy at Night

The final most telling sign that you are in a friends with benefits relationship is if you only see the guy at night time. If you frequently find yourself walking or driving to your guy’s house in the middle of the night when everyone else is asleep, or if you are regularly woken from your sleep by a text message at 3 a.m. asking if he can “come by” then you are probably in a FWB situation. At 3 a.m., most men have exhausted all of their options and you are the “old faithful” they can count on for a romp in the bed.

These signs of being in an FWB relationship can also apply to guys. Women aren’t the only ones who sometimes find themselves entangled in a friends with benefits relationship that they don’t really want. If this isn’t the relationship that you intended, then you know what to do!

Guest post by: Jade

 

Learn more about FWB relationships and how to avoid them in the eBook Friends with Benefits SUCKS (At Least for Women).

 

 

Why Do I Keep Dating the Same Guy Over and Over Again?

A lot of women who find themselves in unsuccessful relationships want to know: “why do I keep dating the same guy over and over again?”

The easy answer is that you’re attracting the same guy with your energy, actions, beliefs and words. But I think it goes even deeper than this. Here’s one theory that many psychologists and relationship experts believe is the reason behind why women who have a hard time finding love keep choosing the same types of men over and over.

I believe this theory because I have personally experienced it.

The Dad Effect
It’s a proven fact (maybe not scientific but definitely experiential) that women often date men who are a lot like their fathers. This can be a good or a bad thing based on what a woman’s father was like.

Women who have dads who have serious problems (like alcoholism, drugs and abuse) or are absent often actively attract men who mimic those traits. They attract troubled and unavailable men.

The Cycle Begins
Then what happens is that the woman subconsciously tries to resolve her issues with her father (the first man in her life) with the men that she dates. She tries to “fix” him, mold him, make him love her or make him stay forever. She supports him and loves him in every way — even when it isn’t reciprocated.

When this woman is unsuccessful making a man love her and stay, which is almost always the case, she relives the devastation of losing or feeling unloved by her father and then repeats the process with another guy. The same type of guy as before. It happens over and over again.

It’s like a vicious cycle, but like any cycle, it can be broken. The first key to breaking this common pattern is to recognize that it’s a problem.

Tough Questions
Do you seem to attract the same type of guy over and over again? Guys that hurt you and leave you feeling empty or unfulfilled?

Do you think that it’s because you’re still trying to make a past relationship right?

If so, knowing this, what can you do to stop this pattern from repeating again? Here are a few tips:

Talk to someone.
Forgive.
Release the past so that you can move forward & date better.
Learn true love for self before you try to give your love to another.

Love Lynn

Lynn Gilliard is a writer and transformational blogger. She is the author of a popular relationship guide entitled Let Him Chase YOU and a self-help guide entitled Survive, Live or Thrive?

Be All That YOU Can Be – Not What You Think a Man Wants You to Be

When I browse social media sites and come across young women in social settings, I often notice that it seems as if they’re trying too hard to be something that they’re obviously not.

A “bad b-word”
A hot girl
A bad girl
A tough girl
A sex symbol

Many of them are trying to emulate their favorite celebrities, but in most cases they’re doing it for one main reason: because they think boys will like it.

They take photos of themselves posing in uncomfortable ways to try to look sexy, wear tons of makeup, poke their lips out to try to look more sexy and use language that would make a sailor cringe.

And some of them do get the attention that they seek from boys and men… but it’s only temporary. As time goes on these girls are left in a tailspin of broken promises, broken “relationships” and broken hearts.

Why? Because they’re not being their authentic themselves — they’re trying to be someone else.

Boys and Men Are Confused Too
It’s not just girls who are confused about their identity — a lot of men and boys are also unsure of who they are and what they really want out of life. They think they want a woman who behaves or looks a certain way, but as soon as they have that, they want something totally different.

That’s why as a young woman you shouldn’t be taking cues from men, or anyone else for that matter, on how to conduct yourself and live your life. You can’t live for other people because you’ll never be able to relax — you’ll be adjusting and changing yourself constantly to fit what they want.

Tough But Important Questions
Do you feel as if the person you’re presenting to the world isn’t the true essence of who you are? Do you feel uncomfortable in your own skin? It takes a big person to admit this.

If the answer is yes, the next question is, so who are you? Start on the path to answering that question so that one day soon you can be all that you can be… on YOUR own terms.

Love Lynn

Lynn Gilliard is a writer and transformational blogger. She is the author of a popular relationship guide entitled Let Him Chase YOU and a self-help guide entitled Survive, Live or Thrive?

Preparing for Valentine’s Day When You’re Single

Besides the end of year holiday season, there is no other holiday that is quite as depressing for single people of all ages as Valentine’s Day. If you will probably be spending the holiday by yourself, you can defeat your V-Day blues by simply getting mentally prepared for it.

It’s Just Another Day!

Understand and accept that Valentine’s Day is just another day on the 365-day calendar of the year. It’s a holiday that was created and promoted by retailers to sell stuff. Make a firm decision that this holiday does not own you — it does not have any real effect on your life unless you let it. Stop torturing yourself.

If you have someone who wants to spend Valentine’s Day with you, then great, enjoy yourself. But if not, it isn’t the end of the world. Say this to yourself over and over again: “It’s just another day on the calendar.” Over time you may find that each February 14th transitions into the 15th with you barely even noticing.

Turn Off the Television and Social Media

Valentine’s Day is a media holiday. That means that the news, television shows and social media sites will organize whole segments to promote it. Valentine’s Day is a very lucrative holiday for advertisers — it is cash in the bank for many different types of businesses. So if you watch a lot of mainstream television in the week leading up to Valentine’s Day or browse social media often, be prepared to be deluged with ads for roses, diamond engagement rings, restaurant specials, boxes of chocolate and big teddy bears.

Instead, turn on Netflix and clean up your to-watch list with a nice dinner and some treats!

Attend an Anti-Valentine’s Day Event

A number of organizations plan anti-Valentine’s Day events to accommodate single people. Sometimes they turn out to actually be anti-anti-Valentine’s Day events because single people end up meeting each other. So if you know that you’ll most likely be alone on that day, make a reservation to attend one of these events instead of spending it at home alone. Bring another single friend if possible. You can find these events on Meetup, Craigslist and other similar websites.

If you look at every Valentine’s Day as a dreadful anniversary when you must celebrate your misery, you will continue to be a slave to it every year. Instead look at February 14th from a different point of view and you may find that it has absolutely no power over your life after all. It’s just a day. And if you maintain a positive mindset about attracting a good relationship, who knows — maybe one V-Day in the near future you’ll be on the other side of the so-called “fence,” enjoying the day with someone very special.

 

Love Lynn

Lynn Gilliard is a writer and transformational blogger. She is the author of a popular relationship guide entitled Let Him Chase YOU and a self-help guide entitled Survive, Live or Thrive?

 

 

 

 

So, What’s In This for Me? (Relationships with Men)

There’s one question that I believe all women of all ages need to ask themselves before they commit their time, heart, energy and body to a particular man:

“What’s in this for me?”

I think that the reason why a lot of women are unfulfilled in their relationships with men is that they don’t truly ask themselves this question before getting involved.

I was once in a glorified friends with benefits “relationship” in my twenties. Here is a short list of what I was doing for him:

– letting him borrow my car whenever he wanted (his was stolen and he used the money to put into his savings while putting wear and tear on my car)
– awesome sex (he was nearly 10 years older than me)
– supporting his dreams (he wanted to be a musician and an entrepreneur instead of pursuing his professional degree, and I supported him in that)
– acting like his unpaid secretary
– running errands for him
– paying my own way when we went out (which rarely happened) to be understanding of his financial situation
– listening to him go on and on about his dreams for hours

Now what was I getting?

– ummmmm, let me think about that some more…
– he was nice to look at, I guess?

Is it any wonder that when I finally did let him go, I barely cared. He wasn’t adding anything to my life.

No — it is not enough just to “have someone.” Ask a long time unhappily married woman or a woman stuck in a physically or mentally abusive relationship if that’s enough.

It’s Not Selfish, It’s Sensible
The kneejerk reaction that some men and eager-to-please women will have to a woman who has the “gaul” to ask the question “what’s in it for me?” is that she’s being selfish or thinking like a “whore.”

Whatever man. As a woman you deserve to get something meaningful out of every aspect of your life — including your relationship with a man. Be real with yourself about what it is that you REALLY want (some women fool themselves into thinking that sex is enough, but soon learn that it’s not).

We have different needs and desires than men do, and that’s okay. Get what you want.

Love Lynn

Lynn Gilliard is a writer and transformational blogger. She is the author of a popular relationship guide entitled Let Him Chase YOU and a self-help guide entitled Survive, Live or Thrive?

Online Dating Precautions for Women

Although online dating has become more commonplace in the new millennium, it still comes with its share of risks — especially for young women. If you’ve decided to attempt online dating, it’s wise of you to take a few simple precautions. These precautions are not only for weeding out jerks, but also for protecting your safety when dating online.

Watch for Red Flags

When evaluating online profiles, there are a few things to look out for. If someone rants in his profile, that is a clear indication that he has anger issues. The guy can’t even restrain his anger when writing to someone he’s never even met — leave him to work out his issues on his own. Don’t look to be someone’s savior.

If you look closely, you can spot a controlling person from his profile as well. For example, if he tells you what you must do, how you must act and what you must wear if you were to date him, that is a controlling person. Generally, if the guy has a long list of unrealistic demands in his profile, that’s another red flag to watch for.

Converse on IM First

Don’t be so fast to give out your cellphone number to a guy who you have just met online. There are services that allow cellphone numbers to be reverse traced back to the account holder (sometimes even the billing address) — no bueno. Give out your instant messaging ID at first instead. Sometimes one short conversation on instant messaging is enough to tell you if you want to continue talking to the guy. Be cautious about men who offer their cellphone numbers too quickly; they probably do that a lot, to just about every woman they contact online.

When it’s time to give out your number, you’ll know. As an added layer of protection, you can get a forwarding number to give out instead of your cellphone number when dating online. If things get weird later on, all you have to do is block the guy’s number from your online dashboard and he’ll never know your real “digits.”

Schedule Day Dates

When you do decide to meet a man that you met online, set up a day date at first. Meet him for happy hour or lunch so that you can talk and get to know him. It’s partially for reasons of safety and partially because you won’t be tempted to do something you might regret in the morning. Some men that you’ll meet online will purposely try to set up a late night time for a first date (how about a drink?) because there is a better chance that you’ll have a moment of weakness and go home with them.

Google Search

Some women do full-fledged background checks on the men they date online, but if you find that a little extreme a simple Google Search will do for now. One time I Googled a guy’s internet handle and found him soliciting women online. Another time I searched the name of a guy who gave me his business card and found a) a criminal record of him sleeping with an underage girl and b) being married.  Just search for the guy’s name, email or profile ID to see if it reveals something questionable about him.

It is important to take certain precautions when dating online, but remember that the best advice is to listen to and trust your woman’s intuition.

Love Lynn

 

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Lynn Gilliard is a writer, transformational blogger and author of a popular relationship guide entitled Let Him Chase YOU and the new book Survive, Live or Thrive?