Why Do I Keep Dating the Same Guy Over and Over Again?

A lot of women who find themselves in unsuccessful relationships want to know: “why do I keep dating the same guy over and over again?”

The easy answer is that you’re attracting the same guy with your energy, actions, beliefs and words. But I think it goes even deeper than this. Here’s one theory that many psychologists and relationship experts believe is the reason behind why women who have a hard time finding love keep choosing the same types of men over and over.

I believe this theory because I have personally experienced it.

The Dad Effect
It’s a proven fact (maybe not scientific but definitely experiential) that women often date men who are a lot like their fathers. This can be a good or a bad thing based on what a woman’s father was like.

Women who have dads who have serious problems (like alcoholism, drugs and abuse) or are absent often actively attract men who mimic those traits. They attract troubled and unavailable men.

The Cycle Begins
Then what happens is that the woman subconsciously tries to resolve her issues with her father (the first man in her life) with the men that she dates. She tries to “fix” him, mold him, make him love her or make him stay forever. She supports him and loves him in every way — even when it isn’t reciprocated.

When this woman is unsuccessful making a man love her and stay, which is almost always the case, she relives the devastation of losing or feeling unloved by her father and then repeats the process with another guy. The same type of guy as before. It happens over and over again.

It’s like a vicious cycle, but like any cycle, it can be broken. The first key to breaking this common pattern is to recognize that it’s a problem.

Tough Questions
Do you seem to attract the same type of guy over and over again? Guys that hurt you and leave you feeling empty or unfulfilled?

Do you think that it’s because you’re still trying to make a past relationship right?

If so, knowing this, what can you do to stop this pattern from repeating again? Here are a few tips:

Talk to someone.
Forgive.
Release the past so that you can move forward & date better.
Learn true love for self before you try to give your love to another.

Love Lynn

Lynn Gilliard is a writer and transformational blogger. She is the author of a popular relationship guide entitled Let Him Chase YOU and a self-help guide entitled Survive, Live or Thrive?

So, What’s In This for Me? (Relationships with Men)

There’s one question that I believe all women of all ages need to ask themselves before they commit their time, heart, energy and body to a particular man:

“What’s in this for me?”

I think that the reason why a lot of women are unfulfilled in their relationships with men is that they don’t truly ask themselves this question before getting involved.

I was once in a glorified friends with benefits “relationship” in my twenties. Here is a short list of what I was doing for him:

– letting him borrow my car whenever he wanted (his was stolen and he used the money to put into his savings while putting wear and tear on my car)
– awesome sex (he was nearly 10 years older than me)
– supporting his dreams (he wanted to be a musician and an entrepreneur instead of pursuing his professional degree, and I supported him in that)
– acting like his unpaid secretary
– running errands for him
– paying my own way when we went out (which rarely happened) to be understanding of his financial situation
– listening to him go on and on about his dreams for hours

Now what was I getting?

– ummmmm, let me think about that some more…
– he was nice to look at, I guess?

Is it any wonder that when I finally did let him go, I barely cared. He wasn’t adding anything to my life.

No — it is not enough just to “have someone.” Ask a long time unhappily married woman or a woman stuck in a physically or mentally abusive relationship if that’s enough.

It’s Not Selfish, It’s Sensible
The kneejerk reaction that some men and eager-to-please women will have to a woman who has the “gaul” to ask the question “what’s in it for me?” is that she’s being selfish or thinking like a “whore.”

Whatever man. As a woman you deserve to get something meaningful out of every aspect of your life — including your relationship with a man. Be real with yourself about what it is that you REALLY want (some women fool themselves into thinking that sex is enough, but soon learn that it’s not).

We have different needs and desires than men do, and that’s okay. Get what you want.

Love Lynn

Lynn Gilliard is a writer and transformational blogger. She is the author of a popular relationship guide entitled Let Him Chase YOU and a self-help guide entitled Survive, Live or Thrive?

Online Dating: 3 Signs He’s Only Out for Sex

Online dating sites are now one of the top places where people connect. Some guys are just on there looking for a great lady to get to know, but unfortunately there’s another type of guy — the one who is only out for sex. These guys scavenge dating sites sending dozens, maybe even hundreds of messages to women, who they hope will be up for the role of a “cheap thrill” as I explained in my book Let Him Chase You.

Here are three simple signs that a guy you’re chatting with online is only out for sex.

Mentions “Cuddling”
There is a keyword that every woman who uses online dating sites must remember. It is a red flag that the guy is on the hunt for easy sex. That word is “cuddling.” For instance, the guy will list his favorite activities: running, working out, playing pool, watching movies and… cuddling.

Cuddling is a code word for FWB — that’s what he wants (or a one night stand). If that’s not what you want, run in the opposite direction! Don’t waste your time.

Ages 18-80
In most dating profiles men and women are allowed to type in an age range for the person they are seeking. One clear indication that a guy on an online dating site is only out for sex is when his age range is set to women 18-80. This is just a discreet way to say he wants ANYONE with lady parts. He will take a girl just out of high school or a great great grandma — it doesn’t matter because sex is his chief aim. When you are looking for a special connection with someone you’ll generally want to meet someone in your general age range who you can talk to and relate with.

Asks You to Drinks Late at Night
Guys are smart, or at least they all think they are! They know how eager some women are to go out on a date. So a guy who only wants sex from you will usually ask you for a date that will quickly lead to that conclusion. When he asks you to have a drink with him at a late hour, generally after 9pm, he is probably trying to set you up for a one night stand. If you have a few drinks at that late hour, you are less and less likely to want to go home. So he will ask you to his place or a hotel. If a guy on an online dating site doesn’t want to meet with you earlier in the day, for lunch, dinner, or some other special date idea, there’s a good chance that all he wants is sex.

A guy who really wants to get to know you will chat with you for a while to get to know who you are as a person — as long as it takes. He’ll respect you enough not to use sexual innuendos in your early conversations. He’ll want someone who he can connect with on an emotional level–not just physical. He won’t have a problem taking you out for lunch or a nice dinner.

Conclusion: Keep tossing those rocks and make room in your life for a gem.

 

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Friends With Benefits SUCKS (At Least for Women)

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Love Lynn

Lynn Gilliard is a writer, transformational blogger and author of a popular relationship guide entitled Let Him Chase YOU andthe new book Survive, Live or Thrive?

New Book: Survive Live or Thrive? by L. Lynn Gilliard

New Book:

Survive, Live or Thrive?

by L. Lynn Gilliard

Simple Life Tips for Those Who Feel Stuck in a Rut

Simple Life Tips for Those Who Feel Stuck in a Rut

This is a guide for those who feel that they may be stuck in a rut in one or more areas of their life, including:

    – pursuing your dreams
– making good money
– dating and love relationships
– family relationships
– self-love

Though the book is specifically targeted for women who are experiencing challenges in their lives, the concepts apply to everyone. Fueled by the idea that life is meant to be easy and enjoyable, it is loaded with stories, blog posts from Lynn’s websites and other inspirations and thoughts to help propel you to the ultimate goal: THRIVING in every area of your life.

Amazon Paperback Now Available

Audio version – Coming soon

The Fear of Ending Up Alone Leads to Bad Choices in Men

When you let the fear of being alone control your dating choices, you tend to rush into situations with guys who you know aren’t right for you.

Fear of being alone makes you move an unemployed grown adult man who has a questionable history and multiple children he doesn’t support into your house.

Fear of being alone makes you call a guy who slept with you and then didn’t call you for weeks to ask for some more mistreatment.

Some women are so afraid of ending up alone with loads of cats as friends that they compromise their self- respect, dignity and common sense just to be with someone.

You know what’s ironic? This type of woman still usually ends up alone in the end after a divorce, being abused, being dumped or experiencing another setback.

Here is the question that all of us ladies must ask ourselves at some point in our lives.

Would I rather be patiently single and have my dignity intact as I grow into my full womanhood, allowing the right people to enter my life

or

Be in a series of unhappy situations with men throughout life that leave me feeling used up and unfulfilled? Oh yea, and possibly still alone or even *worse* stuck with someone who makes me absolutely miserable?

All because of fear…

When we operate in fear we make really bad choices in men and in life.

So what are the steps to overcome this often debilitating fear that some of us women have about being alone?

1) recognize that you are living in fear
2) spell out the worst case scenario that you’re fearing (like being a cat lady)
3) realize that even if that were to happen, it’s not the end of the world!
4) release the fear and start LIVING your life free and bold with a clear head!

Love Lynn

Lynn Gilliard is a writer, transformational blogger and author of a popular relationship guide entitled Let Him Chase YOU.

When He Says… Can I Have Your Number?

When he says: So can I have your number?

You say: No, I don’t think that would be a good idea.

If he starts to harass you about it, stalk you around the place or flips out and shows you his true colors (childish, insecure and emotionally unstable), you have just saved yourself a lot of trouble my dear!

If instead he politely thanks you for your conversation and calmly starts to walk away, you can then say.. “Hey, I was just kidding! I would love to connect!”

A simple way to quickly separate the rocks from the gems.

*** This goes without saying, but you should always be in a “safe space” when talking to someone new, whether it’s a crowded public place or a protected online account (don’t reveal personal information to someone you just started chatting with).

 

Stay tuned for more entries in the “When he says” series of posts.

Lynn Gilliard is a writer, transformational blogger and author of a popular relationship guide entitled Let Him Chase YOU.

“Lucky to be Here”… Is This Your Mentality When Dating Men? (VH1 Couples Therapy)

I caught a bit of an episode of Couples Therapy on VH1 and the therapist made a comment that I think a lot of heterosexual women can relate to when dating or in relationships. She brought up the fact that some women accommodate men, even when it isn’t reciprocated, because they have a “lucky to be here” mentality.

Lucky to be here. What does that mean?

It basically means that the woman thinks that the man is the prize to be won over, pleased, supported and accommodated.

The media, our families and our peers have conditioned us to desperately seek the love and attention of a man. We’re told that we have to go out there and find a man or else there’s something wrong with us.

Because of this coaxing and pressure, a lot of women have developed the mentality that they’re lucky to be in the presence of a guy, even when he’s farrrrr from a catch.

On the VH1 Couples Therapy show a woman hangs on by strings to a rapper. He has told her to her face multiple times that she is not really his girlfriend and that he has other women. She still clings to him like Saran Wrap on a counter top! It is clear that in this “relationship,” which could be called a friends with benefits, she honestly believes that he is the prize and that she is so lucky to be with him. So lucky to be with a man who berates her in front of other people on TV and won’t claim her as his girlfriend even on a show called “Couples Therapy.”

When a woman has this mentality about a man, she has pretty much relinquished all of her power in the relationship. He knows that he can do whatever he wants to her and she’ll just accept it. A good man would just leave her alone. A bad man will use her up first and them leave her alone, worse off than before. If she continues in this manner eventually he is going to drop her cold for someone else who has a much better self-image and she will be hurt, wondering what happened.

“But I was such a good woman to him!” is what a “lucky to be here” woman who gets dumped will usually say. Doesn’t matter.

Do you have a “lucky to be here” mentality when you find yourself involved with a new guy? If so, ask yourself this serious question: what is this person adding to your life that would make you so lucky to be with him other than his presence? Now compare that to the list of things that you as a woman are giving him.

Who’s really lucky to be in the relationship?

Think it over.
Love Lynn

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Lynn Gilliard is a writer, transformational blogger and author of a popular relationship guide entitled Let Him Chase YOU.