Downsides of a Friends with Benefits Relationship

Maintaining a friends with benefits relationship may sound great in theory, but in practice it can be a lot more complicated!

If you’ve ever been in a relationship that can only be defined as a friends with benefits situation, you know that there are some downsides to this seemingly ideal arrangement.

Defining a Friends with Benefits Relationship

Some people start off on the wrong foot of a friends with benefits relationship because they don’t even realize that they are in one! They may have initially thought that things were going in a positive direction towards something more, but soon learn, sometimes too late, that the relationship isn’t going any further than it already has. Then it becomes more and more difficult to end things cleanly.

Let’s clarify the definition of a friends with benefits relationship: it is one where the two people have an understanding that they are absolutely not in a committed relationship. The sole purpose of the relationship is physical pleasure and occasional companionship.

As simple as that sounds, most FWB relationships don’t turn out well.

Feelings Get Involved on One Side

It is very rare that two people can date for a long, extended period of time without one side catching feelings for the other, especially since physical closeness is a part of a FWB relationship. This is the reason why friends with benefits relationships usually don’t last past a few months.

Once one person starts to show too much emotion, the other start trying to move on. Most of the time it is the female in a male-female FWB relationship that tends to become emotionally involved because of a chemical called oxytocin, but there are some cases where the female has the upper hand and will end a FWB relationship because she’s “just not that into him.”

Breaking it Off When You Find Someone New

When you have gotten yourself caught up in a friends with benefits situation, you have tied yourself to that person in a very serious way by sleeping together so often. So when you meet someone new who you actually might want to get serious with, it becomes difficult to break it off with the other friend. It’s especially hard when the other person seems to have developed some feelings for you.

This can create an awkward situation for everyone involved (including the new person) — there are almost certainly going to be some feelings that get hurt. That’s why if you’re looking for a serious relationship in the near future, it’s probably best to stay celibate instead of taking on a “buddy” as a fill in. Be patient and wait for that someone who you could actually see yourself mutually bonding with on more than just a physical level.

Guest Post by Jade

 

Learn more about FWB relationships and how to avoid them in the eBook Friends with Benefits SUCKS (At Least for Women).

 

So, What’s In This for Me? (Relationships with Men)

There’s one question that I believe all women of all ages need to ask themselves before they commit their time, heart, energy and body to a particular man:

“What’s in this for me?”

I think that the reason why a lot of women are unfulfilled in their relationships with men is that they don’t truly ask themselves this question before getting involved.

I was once in a glorified friends with benefits “relationship” in my twenties. Here is a short list of what I was doing for him:

– letting him borrow my car whenever he wanted (his was stolen and he used the money to put into his savings while putting wear and tear on my car)
– awesome sex (he was nearly 10 years older than me)
– supporting his dreams (he wanted to be a musician and an entrepreneur instead of pursuing his professional degree, and I supported him in that)
– acting like his unpaid secretary
– running errands for him
– paying my own way when we went out (which rarely happened) to be understanding of his financial situation
– listening to him go on and on about his dreams for hours

Now what was I getting?

– ummmmm, let me think about that some more…
– he was nice to look at, I guess?

Is it any wonder that when I finally did let him go, I barely cared. He wasn’t adding anything to my life.

No — it is not enough just to “have someone.” Ask a long time unhappily married woman or a woman stuck in a physically or mentally abusive relationship if that’s enough.

It’s Not Selfish, It’s Sensible
The kneejerk reaction that some men and eager-to-please women will have to a woman who has the “gaul” to ask the question “what’s in it for me?” is that she’s being selfish or thinking like a “whore.”

Whatever man. As a woman you deserve to get something meaningful out of every aspect of your life — including your relationship with a man. Be real with yourself about what it is that you REALLY want (some women fool themselves into thinking that sex is enough, but soon learn that it’s not).

We have different needs and desires than men do, and that’s okay. Get what you want.

Love Lynn

Lynn Gilliard is a writer and transformational blogger. She is the author of a popular relationship guide entitled Let Him Chase YOU and a self-help guide entitled Survive, Live or Thrive?

Online Dating Precautions for Women

Although online dating has become more commonplace in the new millennium, it still comes with its share of risks — especially for young women. If you’ve decided to attempt online dating, it’s wise of you to take a few simple precautions. These precautions are not only for weeding out jerks, but also for protecting your safety when dating online.

Watch for Red Flags

When evaluating online profiles, there are a few things to look out for. If someone rants in his profile, that is a clear indication that he has anger issues. The guy can’t even restrain his anger when writing to someone he’s never even met — leave him to work out his issues on his own. Don’t look to be someone’s savior.

If you look closely, you can spot a controlling person from his profile as well. For example, if he tells you what you must do, how you must act and what you must wear if you were to date him, that is a controlling person. Generally, if the guy has a long list of unrealistic demands in his profile, that’s another red flag to watch for.

Converse on IM First

Don’t be so fast to give out your cellphone number to a guy who you have just met online. There are services that allow cellphone numbers to be reverse traced back to the account holder (sometimes even the billing address) — no bueno. Give out your instant messaging ID at first instead. Sometimes one short conversation on instant messaging is enough to tell you if you want to continue talking to the guy. Be cautious about men who offer their cellphone numbers too quickly; they probably do that a lot, to just about every woman they contact online.

When it’s time to give out your number, you’ll know. As an added layer of protection, you can get a forwarding number to give out instead of your cellphone number when dating online. If things get weird later on, all you have to do is block the guy’s number from your online dashboard and he’ll never know your real “digits.”

Schedule Day Dates

When you do decide to meet a man that you met online, set up a day date at first. Meet him for happy hour or lunch so that you can talk and get to know him. It’s partially for reasons of safety and partially because you won’t be tempted to do something you might regret in the morning. Some men that you’ll meet online will purposely try to set up a late night time for a first date (how about a drink?) because there is a better chance that you’ll have a moment of weakness and go home with them.

Google Search

Some women do full-fledged background checks on the men they date online, but if you find that a little extreme a simple Google Search will do for now. One time I Googled a guy’s internet handle and found him soliciting women online. Another time I searched the name of a guy who gave me his business card and found a) a criminal record of him sleeping with an underage girl and b) being married.  Just search for the guy’s name, email or profile ID to see if it reveals something questionable about him.

It is important to take certain precautions when dating online, but remember that the best advice is to listen to and trust your woman’s intuition.

Love Lynn

 

Click below to share this post on Twitter with an @MENTION, and FOLLOW LYNN to receive a FREE copy of her eBook:

Friends With Benefits SUCKS (At Least for Women)

((~~~Very limited time offer~~~))

Lynn Gilliard is a writer, transformational blogger and author of a popular relationship guide entitled Let Him Chase YOU and the new book Survive, Live or Thrive?

Online Dating: 3 Signs He’s Only Out for Sex

Online dating sites are now one of the top places where people connect. Some guys are just on there looking for a great lady to get to know, but unfortunately there’s another type of guy — the one who is only out for sex. These guys scavenge dating sites sending dozens, maybe even hundreds of messages to women, who they hope will be up for the role of a “cheap thrill” as I explained in my book Let Him Chase You.

Here are three simple signs that a guy you’re chatting with online is only out for sex.

Mentions “Cuddling”
There is a keyword that every woman who uses online dating sites must remember. It is a red flag that the guy is on the hunt for easy sex. That word is “cuddling.” For instance, the guy will list his favorite activities: running, working out, playing pool, watching movies and… cuddling.

Cuddling is a code word for FWB — that’s what he wants (or a one night stand). If that’s not what you want, run in the opposite direction! Don’t waste your time.

Ages 18-80
In most dating profiles men and women are allowed to type in an age range for the person they are seeking. One clear indication that a guy on an online dating site is only out for sex is when his age range is set to women 18-80. This is just a discreet way to say he wants ANYONE with lady parts. He will take a girl just out of high school or a great great grandma — it doesn’t matter because sex is his chief aim. When you are looking for a special connection with someone you’ll generally want to meet someone in your general age range who you can talk to and relate with.

Asks You to Drinks Late at Night
Guys are smart, or at least they all think they are! They know how eager some women are to go out on a date. So a guy who only wants sex from you will usually ask you for a date that will quickly lead to that conclusion. When he asks you to have a drink with him at a late hour, generally after 9pm, he is probably trying to set you up for a one night stand. If you have a few drinks at that late hour, you are less and less likely to want to go home. So he will ask you to his place or a hotel. If a guy on an online dating site doesn’t want to meet with you earlier in the day, for lunch, dinner, or some other special date idea, there’s a good chance that all he wants is sex.

A guy who really wants to get to know you will chat with you for a while to get to know who you are as a person — as long as it takes. He’ll respect you enough not to use sexual innuendos in your early conversations. He’ll want someone who he can connect with on an emotional level–not just physical. He won’t have a problem taking you out for lunch or a nice dinner.

Conclusion: Keep tossing those rocks and make room in your life for a gem.

 

Click below to share this post on Twitter with an @MENTION, and FOLLOW LYNN to receive a FREE copy of her eBook:

Friends With Benefits SUCKS (At Least for Women)

((~~~Very limited time offer~~~))

 

Love Lynn

Lynn Gilliard is a writer, transformational blogger and author of a popular relationship guide entitled Let Him Chase YOU andthe new book Survive, Live or Thrive?

When He Says… Can I Have Your Number?

When he says: So can I have your number?

You say: No, I don’t think that would be a good idea.

If he starts to harass you about it, stalk you around the place or flips out and shows you his true colors (childish, insecure and emotionally unstable), you have just saved yourself a lot of trouble my dear!

If instead he politely thanks you for your conversation and calmly starts to walk away, you can then say.. “Hey, I was just kidding! I would love to connect!”

A simple way to quickly separate the rocks from the gems.

*** This goes without saying, but you should always be in a “safe space” when talking to someone new, whether it’s a crowded public place or a protected online account (don’t reveal personal information to someone you just started chatting with).

 

Stay tuned for more entries in the “When he says” series of posts.

Lynn Gilliard is a writer, transformational blogger and author of a popular relationship guide entitled Let Him Chase YOU.

Mike Epps & Terry Crews Confirm the Premise of my Book “Let Him Chase YOU”

I was fortunate to catch the beginning of the Bethenny show, a new talk show that comes on daytime TV.

She had comedian Mike Epps and actor Terry Crews on her couch discussing relationships and dating. Both of these family men confirmed a number of the points that I highlight in my relationship guide Let Him Chase YOU and my Amazon eBook Friends with Benefits SUCKS (At Least for Women):

smileyheart– men prefer strong women who take control over their households

– men don’t like it when women chase them — they want to do the chasing

– men like to “earn” their ways into a woman’s heart (Terry likened an easy woman to getting a Super Bowl ring before the season even starts–nobody wants that)

Of course they don’t represent EVERY man, but I do believe they represent the views of MOST men.

Let a man be a man.

So bottom line, be yourself woman, stand up for yourself, love every inch of who you are (own it!) and live fearlessly.

As soon as I find a clip online, I will post it here.

Love Lynn


Lynn Gilliard is the author of the relationship guide Let Him Chase YOU (available soon) and the eBook Friends With Benefits SUCKS (At Least for Women). She is an in-demand writer and transformational blogger helping people get in touch with their inner greatness.

Why Do Good Girls Finish Last & Bad Girls Get the Guy?

 

One of the top searched questions that I see are from women who want to know why good girls finish last while bad girls always seem to get the guys.

The answer is really simple: good girls tend to live life fearfully while “bad” girls tend to live life fearlessly.

If you were a guy, which type of woman would you want to be with?

friends with benefits question

Dating and Relationship Questions

a) a woman who has low self-esteem who is constantly questioning herself and her worth, listening to what everyone tells her to do instead of living in her truth

or

b) a woman who doesn’t care what others thing about her decisions, who is confident, bold and demands what she wants from life? Oh, and she’s sexy.

Flip that around if it’s hard to grasp — swap out woman for man. Which type of guy would you want to date?

Men Want Bold, Beautiful Women — Even if They’re a Little “Trashy” or Mean
It might go against all sense and logic that you’ve been taught, but most men will choose a “trashy,” mean, overtly sexual woman who is bold and confident over a woman who is conservative and afraid to be herself every day of the week.

(By the way, who said these women were “bad” in the first place? The same people who keep you living in fear of judgment every day of your life. Think about that.)

This is not to say that you should become a “bad girl” or start stripping for a living.

It’s actually great news, because you can be a good woman who is confident, bold and extremely attractive to men. You can have one up on those so-called “bad” girls, many of whom may one day regret a lot of their decisions.

You don’t have to slide down a pole for a living in order to attract men. You just have to :

1) unconditionally LOVE who you are

2) Have unbending CONFIDENCE in who you are as a woman

3) STOP depending on the opinions of others and FOCUS on your own needs

4) BE BOLD about pursuing what you want in life

5) SPEAK UP for yourself

You must be a no-nonsense type of woman who gets exactly what she wants from life if you want to be irresistible to men.

It may take a little time to get there after so much brainwashing and negative self-talk, so best to get started today.

Love Lynn


Lynn Gilliard is the author of the relationship guide Let Him Chase YOU (available soon) and the eBook Friends With Benefits SUCKS (At Least for Women). She is an in-demand writer and transformational blogger helping people get in touch with their inner greatness.