Why Do I Keep Dating the Same Guy Over and Over Again?

A lot of women who find themselves in unsuccessful relationships want to know: “why do I keep dating the same guy over and over again?”

The easy answer is that you’re attracting the same guy with your energy, actions, beliefs and words. But I think it goes even deeper than this. Here’s one theory that many psychologists and relationship experts believe is the reason behind why women who have a hard time finding love keep choosing the same types of men over and over.

I believe this theory because I have personally experienced it.

The Dad Effect
It’s a proven fact (maybe not scientific but definitely experiential) that women often date men who are a lot like their fathers. This can be a good or a bad thing based on what a woman’s father was like.

Women who have dads who have serious problems (like alcoholism, drugs and abuse) or are absent often actively attract men who mimic those traits. They attract troubled and unavailable men.

The Cycle Begins
Then what happens is that the woman subconsciously tries to resolve her issues with her father (the first man in her life) with the men that she dates. She tries to “fix” him, mold him, make him love her or make him stay forever. She supports him and loves him in every way — even when it isn’t reciprocated.

When this woman is unsuccessful making a man love her and stay, which is almost always the case, she relives the devastation of losing or feeling unloved by her father and then repeats the process with another guy. The same type of guy as before. It happens over and over again.

It’s like a vicious cycle, but like any cycle, it can be broken. The first key to breaking this common pattern is to recognize that it’s a problem.

Tough Questions
Do you seem to attract the same type of guy over and over again? Guys that hurt you and leave you feeling empty or unfulfilled?

Do you think that it’s because you’re still trying to make a past relationship right?

If so, knowing this, what can you do to stop this pattern from repeating again? Here are a few tips:

Talk to someone.
Forgive.
Release the past so that you can move forward & date better.
Learn true love for self before you try to give your love to another.

Love Lynn

Lynn Gilliard is a writer and transformational blogger. She is the author of a popular relationship guide entitled Let Him Chase YOU and a self-help guide entitled Survive, Live or Thrive?

Why Are Some Women & Girls So “Thirsty” for Male Attention?

I once followed an average looking everyday guy on social media and commented on one of his posts with a laugh. Out of nowhere, a young girl appeared and in not so many words told me to “back off her man.”

It turned out that this girl was his “twifey” meaning she had never even met him! She just “claimed” him on social media and now she felt that it was her duty to swoop in to keep him from talking to the countless other girls he chats with on a daily basis.

I’ve also heard stories from women on Twitter who say that whenever a new guy follows them, four or five girls follow soon after. They are all stalking his account and monitoring his communications.

And it’s not just young teens. I’ve seen several cases of grown women fighting over one man on Twitter who neither of them have ever met.

This reminds me of a scene in The 10 Commandments movie where six sisters get all dolled up, dress provocatively and dance in competition for one man (Moses in the story). Ironically, he picked none of them. He lavished their attention but none of them caught his eye — he chose the one who kept to herself and stayed busy with other things.

I just want to know, not to be judgmental, but to spark thought on some solutions: what has caused this eagerness and desperation in so many young girls and women when it comes to men? The young people call it being “thirsty.”

When I was younger, we were a little boy crazy, but we had respect for ourselves and knew better than to chase boys down — especially if they were spreading themselves all around town. So what has happened over the past couple of decades that has made girls lose themselves? Here are a few theories:

1) Lack of loving fathers. Girls who do not have that strong fatherly figure in their lives at a young age don’t really know how to be around boys. They also cling because they’re afraid of them walking out like their fathers did. They may have also seen their mothers constantly compromise themselves for the sake of men.

2) The growth of social media as a negative influence on young girls. A lot of teens and young people spend almost all day chatting on social media websites. Young girls and women are bombarded with negative messages from young boys telling them how to look, how to be and how to act. They also see sexy photos of girls who their “crushes” worship and feel the need to compete (never mind that their boy crushes are ignored by those attention-seeking women).

And maybe it’s that social media has just made this desperate behavior from girls more transparent.

3) Degrading music and television that pretty much tells girls they’re worthless. Media influences period. If all a girl listens to are songs referring to her as a bitch or television shows showing women fighting over men, how will she get the confidence to prioritize her self-worth over a boy that she likes?

There are countless other theories, but really only one solution. We have to teach the young girls we know about self-respect and self-esteem from an early age. They have to know that they matter more than anything or anyone else. We have to show them — not just tell them, which means we have to believe wholeheartedly in our own self-worth. They also need to be taught to diversify their lives and get a hobby outside of chasing boys around. I’m putting the year on this post (2014) because I’m sincerely hoping that in future years this behavior will become a thing of the past!

When a man wants you, he wants you, and he’ll come for YOU. There is no need to be “thirsty” for him. You don’t have to feel insecure or compete with other women for what is TRULY yours.

Love Lynn

Lynn Gilliard is a writer and transformational blogger. She is the author of Friends with Benefits SUCKS, now available at Amazon.com

Promoting HIM But Not Your Own Dreams and Goals

Oftentimes I see women and girls on Twitter promoting a new male artist, friend or associate. It’s to the point where they tweet or post about the guy every day, encouraging people to check out his song, book or other project.

On the other hand, I very rarely see men promoting women who are artists, authors, movers and shakers.

Why do women have a tendency to be so supportive of their male counterparts even when they don’t get anything in return?

The answer is that a lot of women have an overwhelming need for acceptance by men (and other people period). We think that by promoting a guy he will come to love you or respect you more for it.

The truth is that most guys will do no such thing. They will use women as work horses to do their bidding, and if they do come up, those same women will be left behind in the dust. The most these women get in the end is a pat on the head and a “gee thanks.”

I’m not saying that you shouldn’t throw your support behind another person who you really believe in. But when you’re doing this day in and day out for a man who you are not even married to OR related to, I think you should be clear about WHY you’re doing it. If you’re married, his come up is your come up. If not, his come up is HIS come up — no matter what he says in the present day.

Time Is Invaluable – Use It Wisely
When a woman spends all of her time promoting a man, but doesn’t spend any time improving herself and promoting her own projects, she’s allowing invaluable time to tick by. Her goals and dreams are important too!

I once dated a guy who had the mentality that I was his main supporter, but didn’t care about my dreams. He didn’t even know what they were! It was almost as if he thought of me like his assistant or secretary — not a human being with goals of my own. I finally woke up and realized I was being used. I told him to stop calling me about his get rich quick schemes. Of course he didn’t like that… oh well!

Support should be reciprocal and balanced. Whenever it’s heavily one-sided it’s just not natural and someone is going to be left feeling hurt and used. Keep that in mind the next time you’re thinking about retweeting some guy’s project for the 10th time while neglecting your own personal goals, dreams and projects!

Love Lynn

Are You Looking for Male Approval?

What’s one of the top reasons women settle for friends with benefits relationships?

Because a lot of women are constantly seeking male approval. Why is that though? Let’s talk about it.

Her Story
A woman who feels a strong need to please men commonly has one of two stories — either she did not have a father in her life at all, or had a father who did not show her how to love and receive love from a man in the proper way.

A woman who grows up without a father often feels a strong need to go above and beyond to keep a man, any man, in her life. She’s afraid of him leaving her the way that her father left. So she seeks his approval of who she is as a woman.

On the other hand, a woman who had a majorly flawed father in her life learns how to protect and make excuses for “bad” men even when they aren’t behaving or treating her right. It’s another form of seeking their approval as a woman who will “ride” for her man no matter what.

How many of us can admit to having one of these stories, which led us to actively seek male approval and validation in our lives?

*Raising my hand.*

Once we admit to having this story we can move past it and catch ourselves when we’re doing it. I no longer need the approval of a man, or ANYONE for that matter.

I only need my OWN approval and validation. That and God’s stamp of approval of course.

A man is an addition to your already full and complete life, he doesn’t define who you are.

Can you admit to yourself that you are constantly looking for male approval in your life? Maybe it’s time to start seeking your OWN love and approval before any one else’s.

Love Lynn

 

Lynn Gilliard is a writer, transformational blogger and author of a popular relationship guide entitled Let Him Chase YOU.

Are You a “Me Too” Girl?

What’s a “me too” girl?

It’s a woman who goes along to get along instead of expressing her own singular thoughts and beliefs.

It might be a woman who goes right along with everything her friends or associates do and say.

That might be a woman who does everything that her family tells her to do.

That might also be a woman who goes along with everything a guy she’s dating or wants to date tells her.

A “me too” mentality is why many women end up in friends with benefits situations. They are too quick to go along with what a guy wants instead of being true to what they really want.

So when a guy says “I don’t want a real relationship.”

She says “me too.”

When he says he wants sex with no strings attached, she says “me too.”

Lies. With every “me too” you lose a little piece of yourself (maybe more).

Don’t be a me too girl. A woman who stands up and says what she believes, no matter what, is a powerful force to be reckoned with.

Love Lynn

Fixated on One Man: What Makes Him So Special?

A lot of women become fixated on one man, usually way too early on in knowing him, and lose themselves in the idea of being with THAT ONE GUY.

Question for Women

A question for you: is he really all that special?

But you really have to step back from the situation and ask yourself: what makes that one guy so special? “Is he really all of that, or am I just idealizing him in my own mind?”

I love good men. I think they are fun to be around, funny, strong, attractive and interesting.

At the same time, it takes a lot now for me to consider a guy truly SPECIAL and worthy of all of my attentions. Until he proves himself otherwise, he is just another guy and there are plenty more where he came from — especially when you are an attractive and smart woman.

It is because of this changed mindset that I went from feeling completely alone and undesireable to having interesting men seemingly flock around me like hungry geese.

So ponder this question again: is there something special about the guy you are fixated on, or are you trying to hold onto him for dear life in FEAR of being alone? Thinking he’s your last hope?

When you change your mindset you’ll probably decide that in fact he is NOT that special. There are plenty more like him and probably even better guys who will want you back.

Each moment you continue to stay fixated on that one guy, you could be missing out on something really amazing.

But remember this wise axiom: insanity is doing the same thing time and again while expecting a different result…

When the new and better guy does come along you can’t make the same choices and mistakes you did with the other one.

Stay tuned to this blog to learn exactly how to avoid repeating history.

Love Lynn

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Lynn Gilliard is the author of the relationship guide Let Him Chase YOU (available soon) and the eBook Friends With Benefits SUCKS (At Least for Women). She is an in-demand writer and transformational blogger helping people get in touch with their inner greatness.